This is a copy of the blog I did on facebook.. There are a few people that I know would like to read my blog that dont have a facebook and this is one of my best writings I have done.. So here is the Living
Proof...
I have learned so much these last few months. Some of it I wish it never happened but some things you cant change. But I’ve come to realize that its ok to trust people. Yes, some of them will steer you in the wrong path.. But so many are there to help you.. Even if its a kick in the butt. Some one told me a blog would help me so I decided I would give it a try to get some of what’s been going through my head so I could unscramble some of it.. So here it goes..
Living with a disability is hard. I know I tried my hardest not to let it define me but I know it has.. I continue to struggle with accepting it. I’ve been compare to my brothers even if its myself doing it. But watching my brothers when I was a little girl and right now is hard. They are the athletic type and got the good grades in school.. All I really wanted was to hear my parents say "I’m proud of you" for something that was important to me. I did girl scouts and other things but I honestly didn’t feel like I fit in. I even felt like I didnt belong in my own family.. They always look at me like I was a disease freak.. It never felt right to be.. I always was the spectator. Id go to Wrestling meets, football games, and other things. I would just sit there and watch. I grew accustom to that.
School to me was hard. I would look around Kids would run and jump.. People always stare. I honestly want to shout out.. Yes I walk funny and I hate it.. But I don’t.. I’ve always ask why? Why me? So many teachers/friends tried to help me through school but I just thought they have no clue what I needed or what to do. There are so many that honestly I love to pieces and I understand now that they were only trying to help. I can remember one year (3rd grade) having a puppet show that was about disabilities. I remember bringing in my doll a doctor made for me and sharing it.. That was the first time I felt like I mattered. But that feeling faded I guess.. My mom was there but I pushed her away most times. I didn’t know how to deal with me and I believed she didn’t either.. I would sit alone in my room.. I didn’t have to wear my braces, I could be "normal".. Same goes with sleeping.. I could sleep and dream of me not having a care in the world. I turned to country music to be a comfort.. I would listen to the saddest songs and cry my eyes out. I escaped the madness of the world with some songs. No one realized that is why I love listening to music. Reba is my hero because a lot of those lonely nights when I thought I didn’t have a road to turn her music was there. She gives me hope in the darkest hours. When my mom with help from a friend got me the backstage passes to meet her, I wanted to tell Reba how much she has helped me but I froze. I promise myself one day i will tell her all about it.
I did tell some of my secrets but it seemed like that when I did that person passed away or left. I have some many family and friends that are gone. Living with the guilt because when i was a little girl, I thought if i told my secrets to someone that person would leave so I began to keep them inside. I think my point where I started shutting down completely was 2000. My grandma struggled with cancer. I was unaware of exactly was happening. I can remember stopping by her house and not being able to go in because she didn’t look like my grandma and being nine years old I guess I didn’t know better. The cancer took so much out of her. I regret so many things but not going in that day basically kills me. When she died my world ended. From that point forward I hid my emotions. I went day to day making it seem like nothing was wrong. I would tell everyone that I was fine but on the inside I was dieing.. The pain slowly eats away at you till you have nothing left.. I would curl up in bed and never want to come out.. There were so many days that I just wanted to end it.. To be true I thought if I ended it who would care.. My parents got more and more frustrated with me. But I know they were trying I just didn’t realize how much.. I buried myself in a hole (I’m still in but working on it). Then my Physical Therapist from Pat died too. She helped me so much. She made me feel special. My grandpa dieing in 2006 was another place in my life that made me realize a lot. I sank farther in my hole.. Everything around me seemed like it was disappearing. I shut down.. My parents tried to help but again I pushed away. I have a long way to go.. These things don’t just correct themselves in a day or so.. I have to learn how to deal with things..
Friends are special to me. For one reason if you can accept people being different then you have a marvelous quality. I never understood what a true friend was. When I was little I wouldn’t go to friends houses because I didn’t want them to know my bathroom problems.. Honestly it still bugs me but I’m learning how to deal.. I thought if someone said hi to you. They were your friend. I realize that I don’t need a lot of people to like me. I just need the ones that support me even if i screw up in so many ways. Many people come in and out of your life. I’m a person that really doesn’t want them to leave.. I believe that friendship stays there even if you don’t talk much..
Well that’s all I can say for now. I need to get some sleep. For now I am hanging in there. I’m going to work on so many things. May take a while but I believe I need to work on me. I appreciate every person that has help me in some form. Even if its just a comment or a hug! Thank you for reading this. God Bless!
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