one day at a time..

Hi Everyone,
I am a little behind on writing this week but I've had a lot on my mind lately and not sure how to write it all out.. But here is goes..

This last few weeks my life has changed in so many ways emotional and physically and most people wouldn't even know it if they didn't really pay attention. I try everyday to get out and get fresh air.

I've come to realize that it takes time to change. Its not this over night process. Some days I will feel on top of things but others I may fall.  I know for me that I shut down completely that June day when my Grandma Rita died, and kept shutting down as I lost more important people and dealing with different things of life.  It hard to bounce back from all of the things that went on as I was growing up, but I now know that I can get there someday. Its called HOPE. I never had a lot of hope before. I always thought I just would get by day to day and that was it.  I have a amazing support team that when I need them, they are there.

I know I should be out there trying to find a job. There is just piece of me that doesn't want one right now. I have done things since not working at the bakery, that I forgot I could do. I never went to the park to swing because I was always tired and just wanted to go home after work. I take my girls for walks instead of just sitting outside with them. I just don't understand why I should rush out and get some job that would just put me back where I was a lonely, depressed handicapped adult. I know I will need a job soon but as of today I want to work on me and figure out what I pushed away and learn to embrace it. I know what you are thinking, how can I afford things.. well here's a break down.. I get SSI and that pays for my rent, dish network, and phone. I still take a little boy to the bus for extra cash and so that helps with gas... Also I have learn to limit things I buy. I don't need expense things right now.

They say there are many steps to grieving. I have learned that all these years I have been living with the step denial for as long as I can remember. I always thought if I ignore everything that somehow, sometime that it would go back to the past. I thought it would all disappear in time. I know that that is not the case but living that way for as long as I can remember, it sure is hard to confront in head on. It gonna take time to accept all the things that have happen to me including coming to terms with my grandmas death but its a step by step thing. For years I was mad at her for leaving me alone and I was angry with God for taking her away from me and at the family for not letting me say goodbye. Its still to this day kills me that I will never see her face, hear her voice, or feel her hugs anymore. One day I will learn to live with her death, I just have to one step at a time. She is gone and I cant change that but I know that she will continue to live on in my heart.

I have come to realize that I want to help make people realize that having a disability can be hard at times but it is do able. I want to be able to speak for those that cant. Having a disability doesnt make me any much of a different person, it just makes me see things in a different light!

I hope that you all know that I respect, love, and grateful for each person in my life. Thank you for continuing to help me on my journey to finding out who I am. I am going to take it one day at a time. With my friends, dreams, hope, and love someday I will get where I am going but for now I am going to enjoy the ride.

TTFN, Dream Girl

P.S. Remember to pay it forward somehow.. Call/Text/Facebook a friend.. Brighten their day.. Save a life!