Saturday, July 7, 2012

Times are changing, I cant keep up!

Hi Everyone,
I hope that everyone is having a great week! I know I haven't wrote in so long. My mind has been spinning ninety miles per hour and not stopping! I honestly feel on this tilt a whirl that I cant get off of.

So here it goes.. This year just seems like its not real. So much has changed it seems like when I get a hold of life something else happens or doesn't and I crash like I usually do. This summer has been the most painful, eye opener, great, and difficult summer in the history of summers.  With Reba not coming to Michigan this year as far as I know, that is something that doesnt help.

A few weeks ago, Mrs.Green was in town. I knew ahead of time she was coming. Lets just say the saying "You never know how much someone means to you, until you see them again" is the most truest saying in the world.. She came to pick me up for lunch and lets just say it took so much not to start balling right then and there. All my stress, worries, and negativity melted away for a day. Her and her sister took me to the Rose City Cafe for lunch. It was great food. Amazing time just chatting and catching up. I couldn't stop smiling. It was like she never left! When she dropped me off home, I gave her gift I made for her. She hugged me goodbye. Im not good at them. Probably never will be. I miss her so much but I know she will always be there for me and that i am so grateful for that! I love her so much!! I cant wait to see her again <3

I hope you all had a great fourth of July. This year was way different for me. For the past eight years I have served ice cream at my parents shop/bakery. I can remember a few years I didn't even get to watch the parade because we were that busy. So I got up this year thinking it was gonna be the best and relieve I didn't have to work. I had tons of fun at the parade taking pictures with the family. I went out to the lake house my parents are building after the traffic settled down. Dad got a pontoon boat so he wanted to take that out for a spin again. I joined my Grandma Joni, Grandpa Chuck, Aunt Tonya, cousin Courtney, Aunt Missie, Hannah, Mom, and Dad. It was a lot of fun. We got my dogs in the water for one of their first swimming lesson. But while I was having fun, I had this feeling that something was missing from the Fourth of July that kinda broke my heart and was on my mind that whole day. My brothers are both out of state and so I was missing them and being out on the lake made it worse. I honestly missed scooping ice cream for a lot of people and keeping busy but what I miss the most of all was that surprise hug from Harriet H. Coe. For as long as I can remember she would come find me and give me a hug! It would make my day. I would be the most stressed person ever overwhelmed with all the excitement and that one hug would make it all better! It actually because one of my favorite moments on the 4th. This year however her mom needed her much more and she was where she needed to be. I hope that she knows how much she was missed that day and how much she is loved! <3

About this time last year, I would be packing and be a nervous wreck for one of the best places in the world. I have attended Acorn Buddy Camp for the past 11 years. Acorn Buddy Camp is a church camp that pairs an able bodied person with a camper that has a disability. They help them through the week with being a helper/friend. I first attended as a camper and then turned into a buddy last year. This year when the camp booklet came in the mail. My head was telling me to wait to sign up. It was also telling me to tell what I was hiding from a lot of people about camp to people I trust the most and have them help me sort the thoughts out. So I turned to a few people I trust the most and told them my situation. 

I'm gonna share with you that I haven't told anyone but its hard to explain so it may seem confusing. I havent really felt like I fit in at Acorn Buddy Camp for the last few years. I love it don't get me wrong but being a camper and then going to a buddy side of it took me way out of my comfort zone for a lot of it. With the speaking in buddy meetings and things. Most of the buddies all have there friends they hang out with because most of them are from the Flint, Flushing, and Swartz Creek area and everything. I just kinda felt out of place. It was beginning to feel like being thrown in the middle of something you know but at the same time don't know. 

I have made a lot of friendship that I treasure from the bottom of my heart and always will. It is extremely hard not having so many friends not there like especially Emily Powell, Danelle Graves, and Meghan Key, Monika, Austin, Scott, Kellen, Chris, Nikki, Angela, Andrea Benjamin and Meg Bowden . These people made it fun and exciting. Each had a unique sense about them and that made camp special. It was like part of camp that will never be there again! Most have gone away and I dont know if they realize but they made an impact in my life.

Growing up where I am the only one with a disability like mine. Camp has always been a challenge to fit in with campers that have the support of others all the time. Most of the time I would think of myself without one because that is the way i grew up. Most nights at camp I didnt sleep because i hid my emotions and feelings and let them quietly flow at camp.. I feel that feeling this way is holding me back from the place I love so much! I miss so much we use to do like alot of one on one stuff, singing "Friends" at last campfire, and other amazing tradition that faded into thin air. 

ABC has also became alot about religion. I understand that its a church camp and that the main focus is based on that but I can remember a time that it was about hanging out and having fun. I can remember pranks being pulled, laughing and joking about things, and not so much about religion and rules. I believe in God, Heaven, Hell, and all that. I believe in the faith and angel part of the whole thing more though. I believe if you are a good person good things will happen to you and people will want to be around you and be like you. I don't think by forcing people to sit in chapel for an hour, have a religious themed dance and crafts and early bed times and strict rules that they will want to be that way or keep coming back. I understand you need rules because you want a safe camp but it just seem to be all about that lately. Not about making friendship, laughing, and having a great time.

So I didn't sign up for camp for these reasons. After talking to a true friend of mine that didn't push religion down my throat and not telling me that must be a sign telling me that I need to find something else and understood where I was coming from, I decided if I could jump through a few more hoops I would be all set to go. So this friend told me that if I could find a dog sitter that she would handle the rest. We didn't know that it would all come crashing down learning that camp was full. Lets just say that part of me basically sank so far that I honestly feel still numb! I feel like I failed this friend (MEG) and feel stupid for not signing up in the first place. I know life is life and that I cant fell and stay down but it just kills! I just hope that I can get through this week without dieing inside.  I'm trying to find a way down to visit but I have a dumb ass car that is still not fix because no one has the time to help me out that way. My parents leave on the cruise this Thursday so I get to dog sit! Yeah Me!! :/

Megan Pajtas from ABC came to see me to chat about things. She is one of my best friends ever! I wouldnt know what to do without her in my life!  I only wish I didn't feel like I let her down! Love you Megan Pajtas!!! 

Other than that...... I'm looking at Full Sail University Online for college degree. Im looking at a Bacholar's Degree in Music Business. I want to work with country music stars. Someday I want to be able to talk to Reba McEntire and tell her that I'm grateful in her helping me understand life is worth living for even if you fall  flat on your butt. But I am just looking at all my opinion before making a drastic change! Also looking for a part time job and maybe a new apartment. I am trying my hardest to stay positive as ever but some day its the hardest thing ever to do. All I want is do something this summer worthwhile! :)

Oh, Here's my advice. Talk about your problems as soon as you can. Talk to a professional, a friend, a family member.. Someone will listen!!! Second surround yourself with people who lift you up. If you dont like what someone does or is then subtract yourself from the equation!! It will make your world a better place to live in. Third if you ever friend a true friend like I have found a few, never let them go. They are what makes this world live able! :) 

I hope you enjoyed my rambling today/tonight! Friends, Near and Far I love and miss you so much!!! Sorry about all the rambling but I needed to sort these thoughts out. I just wish to have a little fun out of this county soon this summer! :)

                                                     Love you all! TTFN, DREAM GIRL
PS. Pay it forward please do something for someone else even if it is just chatting for a few mins or making a craft for them! <3