Someone asked me what got me through my darkest nights.. I brushed it off and said Reba did and yes she did most of the time but it was her music and help that would remind me to see the light.. Light? You might asked what do you mean by light? Well, when I would want to end it all and sit in the bathroom with those pills in my hand telling myself I wasn't worth life anymore.. Telling myself no one ever cared about me. Letting what I call my demons slowly take over.. Something would stop me and make me see light in all the darkness..
For many years I never understood how to describe it but I'm slowly understanding what the light is. My light is my memories. The happy memories of my life. Most of my happy memories are from attending Rose City Middle School. I have been talking with a friend of mine and she made it more clear of why those memories are "my light" and said the teachers at RCMS saw me for me and not as a disability or they never tried to make me like my brothers. My home life has been a complicated one for surenbut that's another story.. Those teachers, para pros, a liaison officer, And others at RCMS saw the Jen I had hide for so many years because I didn't know her. They helped me laugh and enjoy life to the fullest. Yes there were times I was in dark in middle school but one happy memory helped me thru it just like that. When I had or have rough night I would play my 8th grade video and those memories came back and it helped me hang on to life!
In the last couple of years, there has been an event that has taken place that shook this town I call home. An event no one saw coming. A teacher I had in middle school was convicted of having relationship with a minor. I'm not going into details as I don't know many (I choose not to) but that it not the importantance of this part of all of this. When I learned of this news I was in denial and there is a good reason why. This teacher had helped me in so many ways and was part of my light. The light that was keeping me alive. The light that was keeping my demons at bay. The memories that I had relied on for so many years were slowly getting ripped apart. The night after I learned of this, I cried most of the night! I watched as it flashed on the news all over. I let it all in. I let everyone tell me what they heard and it literally was pulling me down.. Was I suppose to forget those times in science class, the 8th grade video, and so on.. That night I wasn't sure where to go or who to talk to.