Friday, April 27, 2012

Three little words.....

Hi Everyone,
I hope that you are having a great night/day! Thank you for taking the time to read this.. It means more than you will ever know..

I'm proud of you.... three little words that can go a long way.. three little words I've only heard a few times.. Growing up with two athletic brothers I usually went to all their sport meets.. I would watch them in awe. I wanted to be like them but I never feel like I belonged in sports.. They would always get done with their game or match. Win another trophy. Everyone would congratulate them and tell them how proud they were.. I longed to hear my parents tell me that they were proud of me.. It hurts not being able to hear that. I always wanted them to be proud of me. My Grandma Rita once told me when I got out of surgery that she was proud of me for hanging in there. It wasn't tell recently that these three little words have come into my world.. For me it means that someone out there really cares what I am doing and it makes me feel like I do have something in this world.

I'm Moving on.. Three words I don't really know how to do.. They tell you when something bad happens to you that you need to learn to move on so you can be happy. All my life I guess I have focused all my attention to all the bad things that have happen to me that I haven't moved on from any of them. I will honestly can tell you right now I don't understand how you move on.. I know you can get by.. I just don't know how to move on without the ones I've lost. I'm slowly learning different things that show me to help me cope but it will take time to learn exactly how to move on..

I love you.. three little words that can make your whole world. These three little words that can actually be three huge words in someone life. I honestly believe if you tell the ones  you love them every chance you get you will not regret if one day they would be taken away.. These words I dont tell someone unless I mean it. I dont like to toss my feeling around like a sack of potatoes.. But honestly tell the ones you love everyday.. If you havent in a long time.. DO IT NOW!

These words or phases can make a difference in someone's life. They actually can save someone's life. But you have to mean them.. Dont just say them.. mean them.. Who knows what you can do in a person's life. Werent we put on this earth to help one another, not hurt each other!

Well Have a great weekend!! If you would like comment on here, twitter, or facebook... Oh and remember to PAY IT FORWARD!!! what goes around comes around!!!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

one day at a time..

Hi Everyone,
I am a little behind on writing this week but I've had a lot on my mind lately and not sure how to write it all out.. But here is goes..

This last few weeks my life has changed in so many ways emotional and physically and most people wouldn't even know it if they didn't really pay attention. I try everyday to get out and get fresh air.

I've come to realize that it takes time to change. Its not this over night process. Some days I will feel on top of things but others I may fall.  I know for me that I shut down completely that June day when my Grandma Rita died, and kept shutting down as I lost more important people and dealing with different things of life.  It hard to bounce back from all of the things that went on as I was growing up, but I now know that I can get there someday. Its called HOPE. I never had a lot of hope before. I always thought I just would get by day to day and that was it.  I have a amazing support team that when I need them, they are there.

I know I should be out there trying to find a job. There is just piece of me that doesn't want one right now. I have done things since not working at the bakery, that I forgot I could do. I never went to the park to swing because I was always tired and just wanted to go home after work. I take my girls for walks instead of just sitting outside with them. I just don't understand why I should rush out and get some job that would just put me back where I was a lonely, depressed handicapped adult. I know I will need a job soon but as of today I want to work on me and figure out what I pushed away and learn to embrace it. I know what you are thinking, how can I afford things.. well here's a break down.. I get SSI and that pays for my rent, dish network, and phone. I still take a little boy to the bus for extra cash and so that helps with gas... Also I have learn to limit things I buy. I don't need expense things right now.

They say there are many steps to grieving. I have learned that all these years I have been living with the step denial for as long as I can remember. I always thought if I ignore everything that somehow, sometime that it would go back to the past. I thought it would all disappear in time. I know that that is not the case but living that way for as long as I can remember, it sure is hard to confront in head on. It gonna take time to accept all the things that have happen to me including coming to terms with my grandmas death but its a step by step thing. For years I was mad at her for leaving me alone and I was angry with God for taking her away from me and at the family for not letting me say goodbye. Its still to this day kills me that I will never see her face, hear her voice, or feel her hugs anymore. One day I will learn to live with her death, I just have to one step at a time. She is gone and I cant change that but I know that she will continue to live on in my heart.

I have come to realize that I want to help make people realize that having a disability can be hard at times but it is do able. I want to be able to speak for those that cant. Having a disability doesnt make me any much of a different person, it just makes me see things in a different light!

I hope that you all know that I respect, love, and grateful for each person in my life. Thank you for continuing to help me on my journey to finding out who I am. I am going to take it one day at a time. With my friends, dreams, hope, and love someday I will get where I am going but for now I am going to enjoy the ride.

TTFN, Dream Girl

P.S. Remember to pay it forward somehow.. Call/Text/Facebook a friend.. Brighten their day.. Save a life!

Monday, April 16, 2012

ABCs of being a true friend.

Hi Everyone,
Sorry I havent written in a while. Ive been trying to figure out what to write about.. The last few weeks have been an eye opener.. I still have those days that I dont want to get out of bed but they are not an everyday thing anymore. I understand now that its OK to have bad days and not beat myself up about them. I've come to realize too that I cant just sit in my apartment all day either because that just gets my mind to think too much.. I have been walking every chance I get..  I also found out that I love to swing and its great exercise too. I take it day to day and see what that day brings me. It better that way. :)

I have asked myself this question all the time and I've actually spent a lot of thought into it and think I found a cool way to put my spin on it. The question is "How can I show someone I am a true friend?". Well here is my explanation....

What are the ABC's of being a friend . . .

Accepts you as you are- It should matter what you wear, drive, or what you look like they love you anyhow.

Believes in "you"- It helps to have someone to have faith in you because in return it helps you believe in yourself

Calls/Texts/Facebook you just to say "HI"- a simple "hi" or "how are you?" makes people know that you are thinking of them and can brighten their day.

Doesn't give up on you- This is a big one. If a person doesnt give up on you then you know not to give up on yourself. 

Envisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)

Forgives your mistakes- Everyone makes mistakes whether big or small but it is learning how to forgive them that makes a friend

Gives unconditionally- Even if its just an ear or a simple hug. We all want to be loved and know that we mean something to someone. 

Helps you- Friends help you whenever they can. They know if you need to be left alone they will but they reassure you that they are there if you need them

Includes you in things- A true friend wont let you sit on the sidelines.

Just enjoys being with you- They will appreciate all the time they spend with you not just hang with you because they feel obligated to 

Keeps you close at heart- This speaks for its self but I know for me. My true friends are close at heart always. 

Loves you for who you are- Everyone wants to be loved for who they truly are not what they do or will do. 

Makes a difference in your life- whether its helping you overcome a event or making you smile.  

Never Judges- People are not perfect. Everyone has flaws but to find a person that looks pass the flaws and to see you for really you is important. 

Offers support- it really explains itself but to help each other out... Isnt that what we were put on this earth for? 

Picks you up- Everyone falls down at times in life but a great thing is to have a hand to get you back on your feet. 

Quiets your fears- Fears sometime can stand in your way of your dreams but when a person steps in and helps you overcome them, its worth while. 

Raises your spirits- Life is full of stress. a friend helps you get a rid of that. 

Says nice things about you- This is true for when that friend is with you or not. You can really tell if someone is a good friend if they dont talk behind your back. 

Tells you the truth when you need to hear  it- Sometime you just need to hear the truth from a friend for it to really sink it. 

Understands you- Only a true friend will see what  you cant explain with words. 

Values you- A friend will see you for your true value not someone who is only worth a little. 

Walks beside you- A true friend wont walk in front or behind you but choose to walk right next to you

X -plain things you don't understand- One person doesn't know everything so when you have someone that can lend you a better understanding of something then only then will you truly understand. 

Yells when you won't listen 

Zaps you back to reality- Sometime you just need that friend that can bring you back to earth

Hope you enjoyed my ABCs. Have a great day and remember to be a "true" friend to someone. Just a simple smile can save a life. Dont wait till its too late to tell that friend that they mean the world to you. Love yall! Share this with your friends!! 

TTFN, Dream Girl 

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Holding on to Faith, Friends,and Dreams

Dear Everyone,
I hope that you are having a great night! I really appreciate you and all the people who read these posts. Every person that reads these has been a blessing even if you just read them :) I hope that one day that I can make a difference in someone life just like many people have in mine.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this change thing in life and life in general. Change is one thing that is hard for me to understand or accept. It honestly scares the crap out of me. If you talk to any of my family they will tell you that they don't think that I can change because of how I react to it. I know that if you told me in 2003 that I would be writing a blog with alot of details of my demons I would tell you that you are crazy and no one cares to what I write. I know now that I care what I write and I can only hope that others care too. It comes straight from within me and it true..

I was sitting on a swing a few days ago when it was beautiful out (I hadnt been on a real swing in years)... I put my iPod in my ears and was listening to Reba and others. Everything seem to go away. It was the best feeling in the world... I didn't have to worry about anything. I could honestly sit there for hours.. I got to thinking how in the hell can I get through this? Am I strong enough to fight?  I don't have an answer for these question yet but I know it has something to do with Faith, Friends, Reba and Country Music, and my dreams. If I believe in those even if believing in me is hard I think I can get through.

What most people dont understand is that a person that lives with depression or a disability sometimes live each day with self doubt. Its an issue Ive battled with for years and continue to battle to this day. When I was little I would compare myself to the other kids. If I saw them doing jumping jacks or running a mile. I would try when I would get home in front of the mirror and fail. Then I would keep telling myself I was a loser because I couldnt do a simple jumping jack. I would get discourage when I walked the mile and it took me ten minutes. Living in a small town with no kids that deal with Spina Bifida each day is hard but Ive learn that its not impossible.  

This past week or so has been an eye opener for me (yes the email I got from my hero is the thing that kick this new path in high gear) due to the fact that I am one that is not very good at believing in myself at all. I've always had this issue of not liking who I am. A lot of it stems from having a disability but a lot of it didnt it came from my lack of self esteem. I thought and sometimes still do think that God is punishing me with this disability and taking the people that understood me the most and who I trusted the most. I know I will never understand why I have Spina Bifida but I am working on getting through all my emotions.

A lot of my cousins are what you would say Glamour Girls. Makeup. going out on dates. cleavage. the whole package. I was in so aww of them and a lot of the time jealous. I grew up with brothers who like to get dirty and play in the mud. I tried my hardest to be girly but honestly I hated it. Dresses were the worst for me.. But as I've grown up, I've also decided that its not bad to be girly sometimes.

Im gonna tell you something that I will never forget about being "girly". My brother Jesse married his high school sweetheart Mallissa in October this past year. I was very honored to be one of the bridesmaid in the wedding. But before the wedding I was scared out of my mind. Mallissa had pick out the dress and everything and to me I just didn't think that I would fit into this dress properly. I dreaded this dress and all the came with it. As the day approached I got more nervous. You have all those thoughts of what ifs. Well I got my hair done and everything and got in this dress. I looked at myself and I felt pretty for the first time in a long time. It was kinda like a fairy tale feeling. I didn't worry about walking different or nothing. People weren't looking at me as a disabled person they saw me for me and I could honestly believe it myself that night.  I know it was all about them but that night is a night that I will never forget because for the first time I realize I can be pretty and not feel ashamed.
My brother Jesse and I dancing for the dollar dance. :) 
My friends are the world to me. Even if I haven't seen them in years I know that when I need them they will be there. I never really trusted a lot of people when growing up. I kept a lot of people at arms length. I hid under my shield and blocked anyone that tried to get close. As I continue my journey I learn that friends are what keep us going in life. Yes, there will be those that take and not give but you learn from those and better yourself. I have friends that give me advice, ones I can tell anything to, but I also have ones that are there to teach me lessons. It all depends on trust. I know if I am a true friend to someone even if they don't want me to be then someday I can find those that are true friends to me.

I wont go into much detail with the dreams part because I have a lot in my other posts but I cant stress enough how important your dreams are. Big or small.. It could be a day at the beach with friends or finding a cure for cancer. I know a big one for me is to find who I am and what my purpose is in life.  I also want to actually get to sit down and talk with Reba McEntire someday. Find out exactly what she believes and get her advice with self esteem. Dreams help me day to day to wake up with a smile on my face and know that if I believe it them hard enough and I don't give up that one day I will give my hero and Martina McBride and hug and tell her that even million miles away that she saved my life and that I am forever grateful for that. Also that I will find my purpose in this crazy life. So my advice that I will continue to say is Never and I MEAN NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS!!!!!

I will be honest some day are a struggle to get out of bed and face the day but if I take it one day at a time. One mountain climb at a time, I'll get there someday.  In my dreams and like most people dreams all things are mostly perfect. But I know that if I continue to believe in faith, friends, my hero, and my dreams I think that I can learn to cope in different ways than I had in the past. There is a saying that says "What goes around, comes around". I believe that if I can help others believe in their selves that I can learn to do that myself.

Thank you again for reading. Leave comments if you wish on here or Facebook and let me know how I'm doing!