First I want to apologize to all of you who have wanted me to write more.. There are a lot of reason I stop writing but the main reason was I didn't want to hurt anyone with anything I wrote.. I was afraid my emotions and feelings were going to hurt people and that is not why I want to blog.. I want to write to help people who might feel the way I do.. I honestly didnt know if i would ever write again because I hated the fights, the feelings of regret, saddness, anger and such with all the events i write about and such.. I realize now that even if I dont write the feelings are always there and if writing them out can help me feel ok I have to try..
The past year or so I have learn alot about myself and about my life that in all honest I really dont know how to untangle.. my life at this very moment is so shaken up and stirred I have been battling demons I had kept at bay for so many years.. But I will update you all on the events of the last year in another post.. This post may be a bit confusing and such but to truly understand how I feel. It will be confusing as I am as confused as a person can get..
Tonight I want to talk about a subject I have been thinking about for a few and in all honesty I really struggling with.. A friend of mine a few nights ago says to me Jen, youre starving for Love.. You want it so bad you will look for it anywhere.. I laid down that night after we talked and it hit me square in the chest... Is it so bad to want arms that wrap u up in a hug and never let go? Is it wrong to want lay beneath the stars with someones arms around you? Is it impossible to want someone to look into your eyes and tell you that you are beautiful and your life matters? Is it wrong to want to be someone number 1? Is it why i push people i care about away most of the time?
As a little girl I was always the one who was different.. The one who walked like a peguin.. The one who wore diapers.. The one who didnt know she had to go to the bathroom unless someone told her.. the one that was too bull headed to do what the doctors said.. the one who would sit in the drs office while they ask me questions and i couldnt answer.. I honestly dont remember a time I didnt felt a bit out of place.. My parents and I have what some would call a very rocky relationship for sure.. I can remembers we would get into alot of fights about things and words were said in all honest I came to believe them to be true as the years went on.. As a little girl\teenager what is said about you is what you start to believe.. As much as I love my parents I have never felt close enough to feel I mattered enough or that i count run to them for much.. I honestly felt like I was the problem and that everything that happen was my fault.. I became to believe I was never gonna be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough.. I let the dreams of my dad chasing away boyfriends, the dream of being asked out, the dreams of having a magically prom... I let the dream daddy teaching his daughter how to drive and getting her her first car die.. I guess they felt I never needed any boy talks or anything as I never was confident enough to go out with anyone.. Never actually had a boyfriend all thru school minus the jokes i was part of.. I felt that I didnt deserve to be loved by anyone as I began to not care what I wore to school or how I felt.. the harder anyone tried to push the harder i would turn it around to my fault..
I can remember when i was old enough I was left home when they would go to sports events and such.. when computers first come out we had one in the office.. when i was left home i would sneak onto chatrooms and such.. Yes, i know dangerous, stupid and such but I felt alone and in all honesty I just wanted to feel speical.. I think I was 16 when i met a guy online from Nigeria.. He was sweet and began to call me beautiful.. He even sent me a bunch of gift baskets in the mail once.. (I was lucky my parents were home when they arrived).. I have done many things I regret online in the past but I see now I just wanted Love any kind of love..
As the days, weeks, months, and years passed I began to feel like I couldnt get close to anyone anymore because when I did they would leave me.. I didnt want to get hurt anymore.. I have pushed so many people away for silly reasons but I am begining to understand why.. I didnt want them to get close and up and leave or something happen and they pass away.. I began to believe i wasnt good enough to be loved.. I didnt deserve to be loved.. i began to feel like the unwanted puppy in the cardboard box that no one wanted or wanted to play with.. i felt out in the cold..