Monday, January 20, 2014

The elephant story

Hey everyone,
I hope that you all are having a great day/night! Thank you again for reading this. I hope that i can continue to inspire people with whatever I can do.. I know my story isnt the the best one and yes most of all of it could have been different but I just how fate wanted it.

There is a story that I found that honestly it explains how I feel lately and in the past..

As a man was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.

He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. Well, trainer said, when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, its enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.

I know I should be able to just go out and show the world what I am made of. But for so many years I have just went with the flow... I would take what I get.  Living in a fog that kept me safe.. Pushing my dreams farther and farther away. I am not saying my parents I don't love my parents but they had two other kids to worry about. They never saw me falling down and I didn't want them to see.. I would tell myself that I wasnt any good.. I was different and not any good. I would fail at something and I would prove that I was lousy and nothing!   I would say I will never break free of my disabilty or in fact depression.

I know now that I cant think that way. I have a long way to go but I now know that I will get there someday. I have a hero (Reba McEntire) and I have a head full of dreams! I have amazing friends that keep me up! I also realize that its ok to have down days but I just cant beat myself up about them. Like the saying goes two steps foward, one step back.. you still have one more step then before. So I am going to keep moving forward one step at a time.. Oh and I dont cry myself to sleep everynite anymore. So I know that it seems like I am going no where, I am actually am moving forward.. just at my own pace :) 

So my advice to everyone is live your life whether it's baby steps or big steps.. As long as you move forward you will some day break the rope that you have been use to and will show the world you're lights!! 

Ttfn, dream girl 

Please comment if you would like! I love reading feedback!! 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Mixed emotions with no way to turn

So I haven't wrote a blog post in almost a year which is so sad because I have probably lost all my readers! But this past year was one of changes.. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of them.. It's like I'm in unknown territory and not sure which way to walk next.. Sorry if this is confusing as I am trying to unboggle my brain tonight... 

 I moved into my first house.. One would be excited and I was at first you know the imagine of this perfect little house that is just mine.. Well I am trying to hang onto the positive side of this whole thing as it has turn into a nightmare I want to wake up from..   I don't know if it's just winter but I have cried more since living here it's terrible.. It all began with the heat.. Pellet stove quit after working a few weeks.. Then furnace got started.. We'll that almost burned my house down.. We got the pellet stove going and i ran out of pellet one night.. Of course my pipes freeze.. And it went downhill from there.. But for now I am working on being warm and pipes are doing ok..  First of all I am not one to be able to fix things.. I'm a person that has to have instructions and many things around this house doesn't have them.. It's hard though because I thought this is what I wanted a house all to myself and have a yard and such but I realized that I did want it but not like this.. 

Lately I have been wrestling with so many emotions I am not sure how to untangle them.  For years in I have tried to be the perfect daughter to make up for what I had done as a kid.. One would look at me and my family and see a happy family but we are far from it.. I love my family but I haven't felt I belonged since I can remember.. I was the little girl that wet her pants or couldn't do what others were doing.. I would throw fits and lock myself in my room and listen to music . When I was in my senior year of high school I was shipped to my grandparents house to finish school.. I know my parents thought it was the best thing for me as all my mom and I did was argue but For years I convinced myself I was nothing.. I was just someone they could ship away when they didn't want me..  I would never be the boys and I will never be the perfect daughter... My dad isn't the best to understand things and to this day i don't have the best relationship with him. I know they tried the best but I don't understand any of it.. I know it's my fault for not listening and not doing what I was suppose to do.. 
I feel like a failure.. I feel like this girl that can't make her parents and others proud.. I have these dreams but I have no clue how to reach or step towards them.. I don't know how to do a lot of things like health wise and such.. I feel like a low life living off the state and not being able to help myself.. 

Thanks for reading!! Sorry if it hard to understand I'm just trying to figure it all out 

Ttfn, dream girl