Thursday, February 16, 2012

One Moment in Time

Hi Everyone,

I hope that you are having a great night or day depending on when you are reading this. First I want to thank the person taking the time to read this. You dont know how much it means to me. I have had a good couple of weeks. Some days are better than others. I miss alot of people that I havent seen in a while and so that gets to me every once in a while. I hope they know how much I love them.  I currently am working on alot of different aspects of my life. Some medical and others emotional. I plan to take it one day at a time. Trying my hardest to pay it forward with all I do.  

I wanted to talk about something that is hitting the media pretty heavily. I was very sadden to hear of Whitney Houston's death. You're probably thinking why in the world would a pure country girl like someone like Whitney Houston. Whitney was a singer that I listened to when I was growing up and I still do. She was one of my childhood heroes. To be honest, yes it seems drugs were involved but to me Whitney will never be remembered like that. I think we live in a society that makes us pressure our "celebrities". Yes, its ultimately thier choice but when your in the spotlight I think that you are pressured more than ever to be better and sometimes that leads down a deep dark road. Celebrities are just people too. People make mistakes. Sometimes you just dont know which way to go. I just dont think that people should be judged by their dark side. I know for me I want to be remember as the girl that didnt give up not the girl that battled herself.

I remember when I first heard Whitney, she sang "I Will Always Love You" on some award show. I would stand in front of the TV and pretend I was one of her backup singers.  Her voice captiavated me. I know country was where my heart was but I can remember be in awe of Whitney.  Her style was so pretty. I remember the white dress on the Grammys I think. I loved the movie the "Bodyguard" and still do. I remember watching it when I was a little girl and trying to mimc her performances in the film. The thing I can remember the most is watching the Cinderella movie with Whitney as the fairy godmother and wishing with all my heart that she would come and grant me the wishes I wished so hard for. As a child I thought movies were magic. As I am sad that she died but I know for me that she will live on forever in her music and in my heart like many others. The only thing that makes me really disappointed is that I never got to tell her how much she touched my life. Whitney Houston was a "borrowed angel" who will be watching over all of us with that powerful voice. I Will Always Love You Whitney! Thank you for being an inspiration to me!  

There are so many stars/people that have passed away that I only wish they knew how they have impacted me in some way or other. I only wish that I get the chance to tell those who impacted me in some way celebrity or even non-celebrity how much they mean to me before it is too late. I hope this blog helps me do that. So heres my advice to the person reading this.... tell the people that impact your life how they do even if its a celebrity. Dont give up till they know. One day it will be too late.. I know my wish/dream is to tell Reba McEntire how much she has help save my life. One day I hope that I can tell her all about it.  

Thanks again for reading! Leave a comment if you wish, they make me continue writing!  

TTFN, Dream Girl

Friday, February 10, 2012

Someone watching over me

Hi Everyone,
As I sit here tonight I cant help and think of so many questions that pop in my head. Many of them probably will never be answered but I can aleast ask them. Why are we put on this earth? Is it to help people? Is it to help the earth? If we were put on the earth for a purpose why does it always come with a price? I know that everyone has a purpose but how does a person find that one true thing they need in life? Why do people leave this earth so early?

Tonight though, Im going to tell you about a person that came and left my life in what seems like a blink of a eye. Im also going to tell you the day that I lost part of me ( and to this day I am still trying to find how to heal this part of me little by little.)  I touched on this alittle in a previous post but heres more detailed!

My Grandma Rita Marie Mirani is my hero and one of the strongest people Ive ever met. She was the one that could light up a room when she entered. She knew how to make your nerves disappear just like that. My early memories of my Grandma are gone and Im broken hearted that they are. As I grow up more and more memories are becoming fuzzy or disappearing all together. I dont know how to ever get those back. I can remember going to her house before my compehension visits in Detriot so we didnt have to get up so early. She would make my nerves disappear and sometime would attend those Dr. Appts. They just seem so go alot smoother with her there. I remember going to the dentist office to see her and take her out to lunch, and who can forget Christmas at her house. Im not sure exactly when my grandma was diagnose with Cancer but all I can remember is as the years went by the cancer was taking her little by little. My grandma always there for me if I need a smile or a stern talking to.  I know I wasnt the easiest kid was I was little, I know now that wasnt sure of myself and how to react to most of my surroundings. How could a little kid see her hero slipping away from her. 

The date was June 2000. I was ten years old. I was sitting doing arts and crafts at Camp Fishtales, a camp I attended the previous 2 years. I remember talking to my friend Misty about how excited I was to be back and how much fun it was to be around kids with disabilities. For the first time I felt like I belonged somewhere. As a bunch of us sat there doing our crafts and chit chating. I heard my name called. I looked around for a moment and didnt see anyone.. Then all of a sudden I heard it again. I looked over my shoulder to see my dad. There was something about his face that I knew something was up. My dad never shows alot of emotions but by the way he carried himself I knew something bad had happened.

At camp we slept in these bunk houses. It was a little walk from the meal hall. Dad told me that we need to grab some of my stuff.  We walked in silence for a few. We reached my bunk house and he looked at me and told me that my Grandma Rita died. He told me that we need to get some of my stuff so we could attend her funeral. I couldnt believe. I didnt want to believe it! I went into the bunkhouse while dad waited outside. I sat on the bed and balled. It felt like part of me died. I wiped my eyes and got my things. The ride back to West Branch was silent. I didnt know what to say. 

We got to McLauren Funeral home in West Branch. My mom was there waiting for me. She knew that I just wanted to cry but was holding it in. She told me it was ok to cry. I saw people there I didnt really know. There were so many pictures of Grandma. I was so unsure what to think of it all. I sat on my moms lap for alot of service. I can remember them playing "I dont want to miss a thing" by aerosmith and "Angel". I dont know exactly why I went out to the hallway but I can remember sitting on this couch and all of sudden there was a hand on my shoulder. It was Dr. Hale, my grandma's boss. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me he was so sorry. I also remember going to the Austin park with Grandma Joni. There is another part of my Grandma's funeral that I can remember so clearly. My mom told me that I had a special thing of flowers from a friend. I can remember how much I loved those flowers. They made me realize I had someone that cared enough for me. Back then I didnt realize it but that friend would become one of my best friends.

That night I cried myself to sleep. The next day my parents insisted I go back to camp. I went but I just wanted to be left alone. They wanted to play sports when I returned and all i wanted to do was sit in my room. I can remember listening to one of couselor telling Marybeth (camp director) How I didnt want to do anything. Then Marybeth telling her to let me stay and that my grandma had died. I cried that whole day. I knew somehow I couldnt just stay in bed so I attended camp activities the rest of camp and acted if nothing was wrong.

As the months went by little by little the hurt grew and grew but I kept it locked inside. It killed that I didnt say goodbye to her. I was so mad at my family for not letting me say goodbye. I felt so alone. Thats when the "depression" kicked in full swing. I can remember so many times I just wanted to end it so I could see her again. I felt so distance from my family. I tried my hardest to not let it show. My mom and I got in so many agruements and I would blame my grandma.. I just wanted to tell my mom the way I felt but I couldnt. That would set off the thoughts too. She never would understand.  I also wanted to reach out to people but I wasnt sure exactly how to tell anyone how I felt. I let it eat me alive. I let so many people think I was ok.  

One day i found a song that touched me so much. Ill Be become the song of comfort. Thats when I turn to Reba McEntire (thats another story "WHY REBA"). I saw some light at the end of this dark tunnel.  

Now as I sit here writing this tonight. I know I may never get over my Grandma's death but Im slowly learning how to deal with it. I still have many nights I cry myself to sleep and also still have those dreams that she appears and I reach out and cant seem to hold her. I miss the sound of her voice, her hugs. But I realize now that there are  so many things that I know my Guardian Angel sends me or had a hand in showing me. I know she had a hand in me finding Reba, and she helps me everyday by giving me people that I need to show me the way.

Two great examples I think Grandma Rita had a hand in showing me are Ms.Coe and Mrs.Green. These two I believe my Grandma sent me to help me heal this void in my heart by showing me that they care about me and that I its ok to trust some people again.  They both knew my grandma before she died. Though Im not sure details but I knew she must trusted them. 
Mrs. Green was the friend that sent me those flowers at my Grandma Rita's funeral. She has been there for me ever since that first day in third grade. I know I pushed her away for so many years but back then I didnt realize that I needed her help. Same thing happened with Ms.Coe. I never really wanted to let her know what was going on with me. I did notice though that the hugs from these two had the same "power" that my grandmas had. I never really reached out to them till recently. I never realized that all they wanted was to help me. They are so sweet and show me so much even if they arent with me. One major thing is that I can get through the storms of life, all you have to do is reach out to someone and do be afraid to tell someone. I am forever grateful for these two teachers! They are two of my best friends! I only hope they know how much I love and appreciate them! I would be here without them and so many others! So Thank you! Each day I look for things that remind me of Grandma Rita. Some make me sad but others make me remember the woman that fought the hardest to stay alive. It makes me what to fight on!     

All I can say to the person reading this is to tell your love ones you love them everyday, ten times a day if you have to because one day they wont be there and it will make your life miserable. Also that there are people out there that want to help all you have to do is reach out your hands to see who can help you stand back up.

Thank you for reading! Love you! TTFN, Dream Girl

Ps. If you would like to comment and dont want to make an account just select anonymous. :) I love reading all the feedback from this blog. makes me what to write more!

Friday, February 3, 2012

Memories of RCMS Forever

Hi Everyone,
I know I usually post once a week but I decided that this needed to get out of my head and on paper.. I hope that the person reading this is having a great day or night! First THANK YOU for reading this. Its means the world to me.

This past Tuesday I went with my cousin Alexis to Rose City Middle School. As we walked through the doors by the office it was like coming home for the first time since I left. Its just that sense of comfort. We walked in the office to give Mrs.VanWarmer her christmas gift that I had since Christmas. Never saw her till now.. Then as we exited out of the office we ran into Ms.Lee and Mrs. L. All I can say about these two teachers is hero. They have shown me so much through the years and still continue to inspire me so much. I only hope they know how much I appreciate them so. After we got done talking to them we headed down the hallway to see who we could find. We found Ms.Scheel, who is the sweetest, most caring, and generous person you ever meet. We couldnt find anyone else so we decided to leave.

As we walked back through the halls of RCMS. I looked in each classroom and it was like a movie reel in my head. So many memories flooded back to my head. Some yes are sad and depressing, but there are so many that I smile and laugh about. So many memories in such a small school. When I attended RCMS it was like we all were a family. No one cared who was dating who, what you wore, or who you hung out with.  

I can remember meeting Mrs.Rossi and Ms.Trudell for the first time, scared out of my wits going into a new school.. Also the summer before my 5th grade year, I lost my best friend, My Grandma Rita to cancer. I tried my hardest not to be close to anyone but these two teachers put my nerves on hold with the kindness and love they show. 5th grade year is fussy but those two teachers are the best. Mrs.Rossi moved away when I was in 7th grade and I can remember the her last day going home and crying into my pillow. Thats how much you connect with the teachers at RCES and RCMS.

P.E. was never my favorite class. I dreaded going to that class. I can remember wanted to go home right before it. I hated changing. I thought the kids would think I was weird. Yes, I tried to hide my disabilty for as long as I can remember. I hated being different.  There is one memory that I will remember forever. It was one day we were trying to get things accomplished for the Presidental Fitness Test.. But I had Mr.Hysell and Ms.Lee as teachers and they never let me down. They helped me through things like the mile, pullups, and other things.  They always were so excited when i would finish each station. I can remember doing the sit and reach and I would get one of the highest in the class. I was so proud of myself. I know I made such a fuss with doing all these things but what they dont know is with their help I learned that I could do things but just in my own way. Im forever in debt to those two :)

I can remember so many laughs in Ms.Coe's class when she would tell stories of when she was growing up and when she first teaching. She could always keep you listening on to her every word. I can remember the famous Blackened popcorn incident, where it was still outside when the snow melted. I can remember watching channel one on Sept. 11th 2001..  Feeling sadness for all the loss that day and all the destruction. But I can remember all the love in that room also.. Crocheting was so fun and entertaining too. I was so surpised at how much the guys in my class enjoyed it. We did that after we had a lesson in Flutophones. That was so not the favorite thing we did in her class. They were more annoying then ever. Cant forget the famous black lipstick. She threaten every misbehaving boy with it.  I cant forget the awesome Social Studies lessons. Going to basketball games when she still coached. One thing that I will never forget from her class though is friends last a lifetime..

I remember having to do some amazing projects with Mr. Elliott. He also likes my hero Reba so it was nice to have a person to talk to about her. Boats were a highlight to alot of people. I still have mine and I look back to all the laughs and jokes in his class. I remember forestry too that was so interesting and fun. Mr. Elliott also had a way of teaching math so that I could understand it. He was always there if you need to cheer up. He always had a warm smile.  

Mrs.Beehler was amazing teacher. I remember doing spirt week.. which was one of the best weeks out of the year. She also was the crafty person in the school. I remember doing some of my first drawings in her class.

There are so many memories that bring a smile to my face. Playing Zoombinis in Ms.Scheel's class, reading Anne Frank in Mrs.Campbell, making the eighth grade video and bridges in Mr.Erickson. Having a unexpected dance in the band room for just 8th graders. Talks with Mr. Logan and Mrs.VanWarmer. Officer KC and others helping me with bullying.  Of course sixth grade camp.

Years and Years passed and so many things changed. In high school I loved coming back to see all of them. It would make my day alot better to see all the familar faces like Mrs.Benjamin, Ms.Vigus, and all the teachers that made RCMS the best school in the world.  Most of them are not teaching at RCMS anymore which sadden my heart but I know for me they all made me a better person today. Im so lucky to have been a student at RCMS and I will never forget any of the teachers, counselors, parapros, and kitchen staff. Im lucky to have some of them as friends! I wouldnt want it anyother way. RCMS will always hold a special place in my heart. 

Thank you again for reading. I hope the teachers read this and know how much I love and appreicate them so much!!! TTFN, Dream Girl