Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Family is not always Blood Related

Dear Friends, I hope that you all had a great Christmas! I hope that you got alot of nice things from Santa. :) Also hope you enjoyed your family and friends. I know most of my post have been on the negative side of things but I'm just trying to sort all my thoughts out. The following post is a post I started to write Christmas Eve while attending my dads side of the family Christmas. I love my family don't get me wrong but sometimes.....

Family..... What makes someone family? Is it the same blood that run through your veins as theirs? Is it the people that say I have to love you but I do not have like you? Is it the people that say something that makes you happy or is it the people that tell you the truth? Is it a person that keeps secrets then goes tens minutes later gossips about them to someone else in the family and it goes around the whole family?

Family is a great thing that one can have. Some of them are so supportive and great to lean on. But as a girl with a disability (the only one (not sure if there is another one to date) with Spina Bifida anywhere close to) it is hard to connect with people even family that sometimes judges you about your disability. As a young girl it was hard to not feel out of place. I felt like some of the family didn't want anything to do with me till they needed something. I know they probably didn't know how to include me in alot of things but it get frustrating because I was unsure how to include myself. Some times I felt out of place and sometimes still do.  

I realized that it happens to the "baby" of the family alot in some non-disabled families but as I am hearing from messages and comments, its happening to alot of kids with disabilities that have siblings. They walk in the shadows of their non disabled siblings. Most of us that do are very unsure of ourselves and unsure of how to per say get out that "shadow". You get comfortable and live your life like that.. I never new any better I guess.

From experience I grew up with two very athletic and were very good at school brothers. They were praised by my family so many times I lost count. They are still the talk of town. I would go to most of the sports events (as I got older I would stay home because I didn't want to go for many reasons). I just went with the flow like I do most days. As I grew older the jealousy set in but as time went on it began to grow big time in me. They would bring home trophy after trophy and I would imagine me getting one but never believe I would ever get one. My parents would push me to do stuff but I felt like a loser. I hated being the one that went to the bathroom different, walked different, and had to do all the things that comes with a disability.

I did do Girl Scouts but as the years when on my troop dissolved. So many people in my family did Scouts, my grandma Rita was a leader, my mom got her gold star (I think that is what it is called), I wanted to be just like that but it began to be more of paperwork then actually doing something fun. I liked Girl Scouts don't get me wrong but I did have thoughts about not belonging. They were girls that were my friends and I appreciate their friendship but there was always that fear in my head "do they only like me because they feel sorry for me" I know that was rarely the case. One of my Best Friends I found while in Girl Scouts. We did so many things together. We even got a first job together at my mom's ice cream shop.

It was only recently I discovered that your family is your family but you cannot surround your with people that are negative even if some of that negativity is someone in your family :) A person cannot live like that. You have to surround yourself with the ones that love you for you and accept you just the way you are or trying to get to. Family can come in so many forms and sometimes it comes in a form you have to look really hard and it could be someone that you wouldn't think would become family. I know for me that I didn't realize that there were "family" out there that would listen and care enough not to judge but to help. I found these people on this journey of self worth. Most of these people are not blood related but I consider them my family. They help me with whatever I need whether is a story to make me laugh, a hug, a lunch date, comments on face book, cards in the mail, encouragement, phone calls, and the best of all showing they care. These people are the greatest in the world. They know who they are and know that without them there I would be where I am today!

I'm a kind of person that cannot stand a judgemental family/friends and people that need to know something just to judge you. I realize that alot

So it boils down to this... Family doesn't have to be blood related at all. Find People who love you for you not your actions, people who you can lean on, and people that believe in you. Judging people before you know the situation is not good.

Thank you for reading and Let me know what you think of this blog and others if you would like :) I love to get feedback and know that what I write people actually want to read :) Merry Christmas!! Love you! TTFN,

Friday, December 16, 2011

Dreams are my driving force

Hey everyone, I hope everyone is having a great day and getting all set for Christmas. I am getting excited to see my Brothers and sister in law and the rest of the family.. I hope that all make it home.

A few days ago I was talking to a friend of mine and she asked me a question that alot of people have asked me this year. What does Jen want in life? To be honest I tell everyone I really dont know because there are so many answers to this question and so many different aspects of this too. The answer to that question has changed through out my whole life and probably is like that for alot of people.

When I was a little girl my favorite movie was Walt Disney's The Little Mermaid. I watched it ten times a day and dressed up as Ariel one year for Halloween. I would dream of swimming as a mermaid in the ocean and be friends with sea animals (except sharks ofcourse). It made me feel like I could be different and it was ok.  It made me believe that i can do what my heart tells me to do.

As I got older that dream was still there but there were new dreams. Some major dreams of mine were (some still are my dreams today) to belong, to have people who understand, and the find me. Living with a disablity, you dream of being normal and being accepted for being you.

 I loved to listen to music. I loved to pretend I was a singer in front of an audience (usually my stuff animals in my room). I would try to sing in the car but usually that bugged someone so I kept quiet as much as I could. Yes, Im one that sings in the shower if I have music playing. There is just something about music that makes life so much more enjoyable. It was my outlet to most of my emotions.  

I realize now that I forgot how to dream when the tradegies in my life happened to me. I began believing that dreams are just for sleeping. I had to keep my dreams in my head because if I didnt I thought that somehow they would be taken from me. So i honestly can say I didnt dream of anything. Just went day by day and lived life. I bottled alot inside and never told anyone nothing important.  

When I began idolizing Reba (The reason why is in the earlier post called "WHY REBA?") the dreams began again.  I was so interested and amazed by how she was a small town girl and then became a superstar. I began to sink myself in her job ethic and how she does all the things she does but with grace. I admire her generosity too.  She doesnt let the stardom go to her head. I dreamed of meeting her even for like a min. I knew it was a long shot for sure but I had a dream once more.

On July 22, 2004 to my surpise that dream came true. My mom (who I love dearly and am so grateful for even if I dont know how to show it most of the time) emailed the radio station 94.5 the moose. Keith Allen (who is one of the nicest and most sweetest people Ive met) somehow got my mom backstage passes. I am forever grateful to both of them! That 3-4 mins standing there with Reba will be forever cased in my memory forever. I was so starstuck I couldnt speak. I have attended every concert that she has had in Michigan since then. Yes that is a total of 11 times since 2004. Everytime she amazes me. I dream/wish/pray to actually get to speak with her one day and tell her how she saves my life.  

I may not know what I want to do with my life but I know now that I cant stop dreaming. Yes, most of my dreams have to do with Reba but their mine. No one can tell me theyre dumb or what they ask arent you asking for some really out of reach things arent you?  I think that we live in a society that we rush and rush but dont actually take the time to dream and take in consideration of what a dream is. We go day to day trying to make money and get more and more. I like to think we need to stop realize what we have and what some people say "the climb".

Dreams are what makes the world go around. Without them where would be go. So it comes down to this "Don't ever let someone tell you that you cant do something even if you are disabled or not. Your dreams are your own. You never know when that special moment will come. Dreams come true, you just have to believe!" I will never stop believing in my dreams. Someday I will tell my hero, Reba Nell McEntire, in person what she means to me, I will find me, and find where I belong but as of right now I will be wishing on every star and never lose my dreams!  

Thank you for reading. Please comment if you wish! I appreicate all the support for this blog! Love you all! TTFN

Saturday, December 10, 2011


Hi Everyone,

I hope everyone is having a great night and getting excited for christmas! Ive been good. Ive been trying to keep myself busy with craft, hanging with my puppies, and other things.

So I am hearing that there are alot of people that want to know the REAL story behind me idolizing Country superstar Reba McEntire. So here it goes........

I really didnt know who Reba was at first. I have loved Country Music since I can remember but I was into people like George Strait, Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, and others. I knew of some of Reba's songs when I heard them but never knew her name.

There is a song that I listen to when I get sad, feet lonely, or feel out of place. I listen to it and it is like she is telling me that she will always be there when I need her. The song is called "I'll Be". I never knew who sang it till after my grandma died but when I listen to it, I would pretend Reba was singing it to me and I would feel like she was wiping my tears away and telling me it would be ok. I would play it in the hosiptal when I would have surgery for my shunt. It would make the pain go away. It was a song that when I heard it everything seem to be right.  

The year was 2000. My grandma Rita just passed away from cancer. I sank, I mean DEEP sank. I didnt want to be near anyone anymore. I believed that if I got near someone or told them of the way I felt they would be taken from me. I never thought that I would find the light at the end of the tunnel. I was going through my mom cds one day and came across the cd called Reba McEntire's "For My Broken Heart". I listen to it and instantly the raw emotion and something about her voice gave me hope and strength. It was almost like sign.

As the years past there were times I got really depressed and lonely. I did think about hurting myself. It was when someone would laugh at me, I would have an accident at school or home, or just a agruement with my parents. I would get frustrated enough at myself and the world and just wanted to let it all go. Most times it was the thoughts of who cares, why did God make me this way?, no one wants me, or I want to see Grandma again that would run through my head. I never actually got to the point of phyiscally hurting myself. There was always something that made me stop.. Some of the time I would get ready to just end it all and her song would come on the radio or I would get a glimpse of Reba's picture on my wall and it was like she was telling me to hold on once more. I would stop and then cry myself to sleep. This is going to sound kinda weird but when I would get frustrated enough and needed to talk I would sit in my room and talk to her picture. She became my best friend that would never leave me. I thought maybe somehow she was listening. It gave me alittle comfort thinking that way.  

Over the years and more incidents like that would make my respect and love for Reba grow. She became my hero because her determination, kindness, and ambition. She brings so much emotion in her songs, you feel like she is singing your life story. I bought all of her cds, videoes, and other items. I thought the more things I had of hers the safer I would get.   

Alot of people ask me how you can love someone so much and you've only met her for about 3 mins. Well she is the one person i credit with saving my life. Depression is a hard thing to deal with day to day. Ive also hear alot of people ask me "Why not talk to your parents or tell someone you know?". Well my parents arent the easiest to talk to about things. There wasnt alot out there for parents about Spina Bifida back when I was a kid. So they were honestly I think not sure of how to deal with me. They also had two other kids to raise. Yes, I sometimes felt like the kid that didnt belong. Its not easy telling your parents that your hurting or anyone for a matter of fact. So I turn to a woman that may never know or remember I exist but she continues to show me so many things daily but most importantly that I have to believe to hold on and dream. Reba is everything I wish I could be and more.  
I wish, pray and hope one day to be able to tell her how she has helped me.

Thank you for reading and share if you would like. Have a great night everyone!  If you would like to ask questions or leave comments you can if you wish! TTFN

Friday, December 2, 2011

What is Spina Bifida?

Hi everyone, 

This post I should have posted along time ago but for some reason I wasn't sure on how to write it.. Many of you know I was born with Spina Bifida with hydrocephalus. I wanted to touch base with exactly want that means. Here is some information I got off of wikapedia.com:

"Spina bifida (Latin:"split spine") is a developmental congenital disorder caused by the incomplete closing of the embryonic neural tube. Some vertebrae overlying the spinal cord are not fully formed and remain unfused and open. If the opening is large enough, this allows a portion of the spinal cord to protrude through the opening in the bones. There may or may not be a fluid-filled sac surrounding the spinal cord. Other neural tube defects include anencephaly, a condition in which the portion of the neural tube which will become the cerebrum does not close, and encephalocele, which results when other parts of the brain remain unfused.

Spina bifida malformations fall into three categories: spina bifida occulta, spina bifida cystica (myelomeningocele), and meningocele. The most common location of the malformations is the lumbar and sacral areas. Myelomeningocele is the most significant form and it is this that leads to disability in most affected individuals. The terms spina bifida and myelomeningocele are usually used interchangeably."

OK, Big words I know but basically it means when I was developing in my mom part of my spine was exposed and got damaged. I have Spina Bifida cystica (Myelomeningcele) L4. I have spotty feeling from my knees down and no feeling in my feet, I cant move my feet at all. That is why I wear leg braces to help my balance otherwise I'm so wobbly its not really funny.. I have no control with the bladder or bowel so I have to self cath and have to be on a bowel program. This is the hardest part of this whole thing for me anyhow.  I also have hydrocephalus which means fluid on the brain so when I had my first surgery a few hours old to put in a shunt which is a tube like drain that extends from my head to my stomach. I have had surgeries to unclog this or replace it. I have to watch if I get a bad headache or a few other symptoms I have to get it checked.

What people don't know is with a disability comes alot of challenges. The bathroom situation can be the hardest but also the little things also can be the hardest thing. To see other kids jump rope and in your heart you want to try but don't want to be the laughing stock of the playground or to have disappear from class to use the bathroom can be hard to one self esteem. I live in such a small town that no one knew what Spina Bifida was or what to think of it.  For years I was always the girl pick last for everything whether it was gym class (which I hated the most) or to be partners for anything. I grow accustom to being the odd ball out. It wasn't till I attended a youth rally that I learned that there are people like me. I met two girls from Hawaii that have Spina Bifida and going through some of the things I have been going through. They have become two of my best friends even though they live so far away.  I also have a friend that goes to the same church camp I attend that has spina bifida too so she and i can relate to alot of things.

Well if you have any questions, I am here to ask whatever you may need. I use to be embarrassed to answer questions about my disability. I actually thought when  I was little that it would go away if I didn't think or talk about it. Now I know I was dead wrong about that. It never going away I just gonna work on living with it.

Thank you for reading this! I appreciate it so much! Love you all!! TTFN

Seasons Change

Hi Everyone, 
I hope whomever is reading this is having a great holiday season. The past few days have been up and down. Its like some days are spinning 90 degrees and other I can actually see my world. I guess that is life though. Many people tell me that I need to leave the past in the past but honestly Ive thought about it if I cant dealt with what has happened to me how can I grow out of my shell. This is one thing Im not sure what I can do to help my self leave it in the past and let some of it eat me or deal with it.

I was sitting here trying to figure out what to blog about many things come back to me about how much during Christmas time so much has changed. I can remember my brother Jesse waking me up on Christmas morning and we would race upstairs to the tree to see what Santa Claus and it would be the best day ever. We would play together as a family with the new game we got. Alot of the time Jesse and my dad would make breakfast. Christmas is my mom's bday too.  As we grew older and learn somethings, Christmas took on like a not so much togetherness feeling. We would open gifts and go our separate ways. My brother Joe didnt come home last year for Christmas morning and I slept at my own apartment last year. It just hasnt been joyful as years I can remember. I know Christmas is suppose to be about being with family and friends but to be one the has felt out of place most of her life, you treasure the moments you feel like a part of something.

I know this year I treasure so much more than I did in years past. I have open my eyes to that I have so many people espeically friends that love me. Im lucky to have them to help me through this struggle with finding me.
I hope that you and your family have a great holiday season! I know that I will be thinking of every person that is special to me! Thank you for reading! Comment if you wish! Love you all! TTFN 

Monday, November 28, 2011

If I die young

I hope that you are all having a great night. There is alot of things going through my head. I not sure what to think of all it quite yet. What if I die young? Would people remember me and/or would people want to remember me? Have I touched someones life?

Some of my thoughts are of people that i was close to that died so young and makes me think. Why did they die and so young? I know that none of us can answer that question but we can wonder.

As I was going through my facebook.. I found a friend that is the mom of a dear childhood friend of mine that passed away when I was little. Then you know how in movies those images kinda come back to you. That happened to me.. Most of them were fuzzy but some were of certain things. I was six years old when Megan Fransee died at the age of 11.  I dont remember most things because ive learned that when she died I blocked most of those memories out because I didnt want to hurt. I have a picture of Megan and I before she died. As I look at that picture I close my eyes and can remember for a short moment when that picture was taken. I can still remember when my mom found out of her passing.. I can remember me shutting down little by little. No one really realized that I didnt how to deal. I was 6 years old and had no clue how to comprehend something like that. I never had a friend like her that was like my older sister. As I look back now I am glad I got to have Megan and her family in my life. They have shown me so many things over the years. Her mom Robin is one of the strongest people I know. One of my most memorable times with her would be when she would take my stitches out when I had to have surgeries for my shunt. She is one of sweetest people I know too. Years passed and both of our families did our own things. We drifted apart over the years but they havent been forgotten and Megan will always hold a special place in my heart. She was the first friend I remember accepting me for me.
I wrote a poem for Megan a while back:
Taken too Early
Written by Jen Evans
Gone but not forgotten
You’re always on my mind
A friend from my childhood
That made me be inspired and dream
You were caring and funny
I may not remember all of those great times
I do know the ones that I treasure the most

The one that showed me that even though
I was different
There were people that would care
You were one of those very few
That liked me for me

You may not be here with me
But I know that you are shining in heaven
Looking down on your family and friends
Grinning that smile that lit up the room

I will never forget you my friend
Thank you for making me a better me

More recently there were two teens in the area I live that lost there lives to tragic accidents. Tanya Reilly and Alex Sapp. I knew Tanya as a kid. She lived right down the road from my parents house. We would go snowmobiling, sledding, and other activities with our families. She was in Girl Scouts and lots of sporting events. As Tanya and I were growing up we drifted apart. I would hear about her being in sports and other things. Proud of her for reaching for the stars. She was the sweetest and most caring person. I was in awe of how beautiful she was. When I learned of her accident and she was killed, it was like part of my past was ripped from me. We may have not talked in years but she was a friend. She left a legacy that will live on in her family and friends. I did not know Alex personally but I knew of him. Alot of my cousin were friends with him. I would see him in town. My mom also I think had him in preschool maybe. I know that he lit up the room when he walked into it. Both of these teens will never be forgotten.

My Grandma Rita was the best grandma I could ask for. I was 10 years old when she past away at the age of 50. She lost her battle with cancer on June 10,2000 She was the one that would always be smiling even if she was down in the dumps. She was there for alot of my surgeries and hospital visits. She was the one that would help my mom out when I was stubborn or didnt know what to do. She was also the one the came to my VIP days, concerts, and other events at school. I can remember going to DQ after some of the events. She would always encourage me when I got down. When she died I didnt know what to do, how to tell people I was hurting too much, and how to deal with it. Like Megan, my memories with my grandma are fuzzy but I treasure the moments I think of. I wish so much I would have told her how much she means to me! I have so many regrets! Now a days I wish I would have hung on everything she used to tell me, the smells of her house, and the smiles. People tell me that I need to move on. I dont know how exactly to do that. She was my hero and always will be. 

I didnt realize back then how much we take for granted. There isnt a day that goes by that someone, somewhere doesnt thinks of a love one they lost. I know that I cant imagine losing a child. I think the parents of child that passes away are the strongest people in the world!  Please do me one favor... Tell your love ones you love them aleast once a day because you never know when they will be gone forever! If the person reading this wonders why I write them everyday just to say that I love them... You now know why I do so :)

Thank you for reading this! Have a great night/day! I love you! TTFN, Jen
P.S. Please share with whomever you want!   

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Surpises are sometimes the best things ever

Hi Everyone,
I hope whomever is reading this that you are having a great night.. Thanks so much for supporting me and reading this blog! It means the world to me to have people care.

I hope that your thanksgiving was filled with lots of food, family, friends, and fun. I went to my grandma Joan's house for dinner.. It was not the same to have my cousin Charlotte there or Jesse and Mallissa.. The food was great! I watched my porpotions, I am trying to get healthier.

Thanksgiving night was interesting to say the least. I took Robert and Lexi home about 7:00pm. My mom calls as I pull out of their house to tell me that they were getting around to go to Walmart because Aunt Missie wanted the Xbox 360 bundle from Walmart. So I sat in the parking lot and waited till they got there.  They finally got there about 7:30ish. We went and got the tickets. What I didnt know is that they actually didnt go on sale till 10pm. We had over 2 hours! But the time went by.. Then the madness started. I never saw so many people. We shopped for a while but I didnt have no money so i just really looked.. I left before my mom and everyone was done. It was fun though.

Friday was one of the best days Ive had in while. I have had some great days but this one was one of the best. I got up and cleaned house for a bit mostly laundry. About 3pm my phone went off. You know how sometimes you cant believe your eyes whos calling. Well this was one of those moments. I stared at my phone for a few seconds. My phone read "Mrs.Green Cell". So I thought oh she calling me back because I called her yesterday for Thanksgiving. I answered it. And she asked how I was doing and what I was up too. She then asked me If I could meet her and Ms.Coe in the resturant in about 5 minutes. I said YES!!! I couldnt believe it.. I flew to get ready. I told Alexis that I hadnt gotten ready that fast in a long time. Then I went up to the bakery. I dont about everyone else but when I see friends I hadnt seen in while it changes my mood. I was so happy to see both of them! They will probably never know how much I am grateful for their guidance and friendship all these years.  We sat and chatted about what we have been up to. We shared some laughs like always. They told me stories of when they were younger and when they were teaching. If you ever find a friend or two that you can go forever and not see each but pick up where you leave off in just a few mins, treasure them.. They are hard to find. I told them all about what happening with me. They encourage me and I really appreicate that. I didnt want the moment to leave.

When they left I ran back to the house. I knew I had to get Lexi and get back to work at 5pm to do dishes at the bakery. I got Lexi and Ali (Lexi's mom's boyfriend's daugher).  Told Lexi that there isnt anything that anyone could do to take away my wonderful attitude today.Went to work. It was really slow. I cleaned whatever I could find. Scrubbed the sink,the wall by the sink, and just kept busy. It went by fast. I was just happy to aleast have a few hours. We got all cleaned up and left at 930pm... then we came back home and I was in a cleaning mode. So I scrubbed my apartment except the floors.  I also gave Belle and Princess a bath. Lexi and Ali did their nails, helped me out a bit, and took the dogs out for me. My brother Jesse called me as I was cleaning. I talked to him for almost an hour. Hadnt really talked to him since they were home for the wedding. I really miss him being around. When I was little I always said I wont miss him when he grows up but now that he is gone, I know I was dead wrong. Now I am sitting here wide awake.  I just dont want this day to end I guess :)

Hope you have a great night/day! I love ya! Thank you for reading! Comment here or facebook if you wish! Will write more soon!

TTFN, Girl in a fanstatic mood

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

It does hurt !!!

Hi Everyone,
I hope who ever is reading this is well and enjoying life.. It taking me a few days to think about what I wanted to talk about next. This whole blog thing is new and I'm not one that lets my feelings down on paper. I am slowly learning to let it all out.

The last few days Ive been trying to figure out how to speak out about Bullying.. I see so much in the news about kids/adults commiting sucide and the contributing most of it to being bullying. It didnt hit home till a friend of mine wanted to take her life because she thought everyone hated her and that no one cares. Its so sad to know that people can be so cruel but with living with a disability, people can be cruel even if they dont know they are. Alot of people dont accept change and if someone different they have to hide there fear to learn about the difference. It can be as little as staring for a long time or can be as big as picking on the certain person. It specially hurts to be excluded by people. Many people with disability get isolated. They are people too and should be able to do what other people can do. They just do it with a little more challenge.  Im hoping by sharing my story it can shed some light on this thing called bullying.

In all my years in school most kids did stare at me. I know what most people think staring doesnt hurt but I does.. no one wants to be stared at. Whats worst is the whispering while staring. I can remember being stared at through my school years. I also was called names that most nights I would cry myself to sleep. Sometimes people would think I couldnt hear them and they would talk about me.. Ive been called diaper girl, wobbly weirdo, two faced, and so many others that were terrible. I didnt want to be called a tattle tale so i was scared to tell someone.  I also would ask God why so many nights and yes I will admit I still do.. Its hard growing up in a small town where there isnt no one around here with Spina Bifida.. I always thought I was a mistake and that I never suppose to belong here..

Most of the time I would  not use the bathroom when I was suppose to because I was conviced I knew when I needed to.  So many teachers would have to get after me. (if youre reading this, THANK YOU Ms.Coe and Mrs.Green for being so hard on me on some of these times... I remember you getting after me the most in middle school) I also would have many bathroom accidents which alot of time I would get pick on and teased. Sometimes I would hide it as much as I could till I would get home and then I would get so mad at myself and telling myself I was pathetic and why did I do this to myself. I would cry my eyes out because I was disappointed in myself. Im 22 years old now and still having problems but Im determined to get through them.

My self esteem and pretty much all of it got worst in high school. I cried most nights into my pillow.  Also in high school I got really depressed and that began the thoughts of ending it all.  I thought that my parents wouldnt care because Jesse and Joe were the highlight of the family. I was just the one with all the problems. Most of the time I was home alone when the thoughts would run through my head. But before I would try something would stop me. The pictures of Reba surrounding me. A Reba song coming on the radio.(There something about Reba but thats another story) The thoughts of what would Mrs.Green or Ms.Coe think.. (these two have a special place in my heart.. some people say its because they knew my grandma Rita..) and I would stop and think to myself.. I would most time just cry my eyes out. I went day by day and acted if nothing was wrong. I would fake being sick to get out of going to school. I kept this all to my self for a long time. When you hit rock bottom you have no clue where to turn. You convice yourself you can do it on your own.  I continue to struggle with the self confident thing to this day. I know now that there are people out there that if you need they will be there...

But school was not all bad. I dont remember all the details of that day.. but i do remember a certain day that made me feel so important... I remember in my first year of third grade year (i think), we had this puppet show that came in and did a puppet show with these really cool puppets. One was in a wheelchair and the other one had braces and cruchets. I can remember feeling so amazing. Watching them talk about being nice. I also recieved a doll that was made by a doctor of mine. She had braces, cruchets, and blonde hair. I brought her in that day and got to share her and a Little Critter book called "A Very Special Critter". That day was one Ill never forget. Thats why Ive always love Mrs.Green. She never has look at me like a girl with a disabilty. There are so many people out there and yes most of them are teachers that continue to help me with life. i love each of them so much! 

So the next time you want to tease or torment someone because they look different think twice please because it hurts more than youll ever know.. If you know someone, see someone being bullied or being a bully PLEASE tell someone! You can save lives!

Thank you for reading this.. comment on here or on facebook if you would like!! Love you all!! TTFN
P.S. any questions let me know :)

I didnt know... (2nd blog from facebook)

Hi Everyone,This is a copy of the second blog on facebook i did.. For those that dont have a facebook! If you would like to contact me my email is missjen2008@yahoo.com :) Love you all!!

From the response from the first note "Living Proof".. I thought I would try it again.. There is a "game" going around Facebook that when you like some one's status they wrote about when they were a certain age, they give you a age.. Well I liked my cousin ashley's status. She gave me the age 12... I wrote about it but I thought I would expand on that.. (Mrs.L and Mrs.Vigus asked me to and I decided that it would be a perfect topic)

Age 12...
I was a 6th grader at Rose City Middle School.. I had some of the best teachers there (at the time I didnt realize that they knew what was best for me.) Mr Hysell and Ms.Lee honestly are some of the best P.E. teachers youll ever meet. They pushed me in P.E.. Never letting me give up and quit. I would always be included in something if it was me being goalie. To be honested most days I was mad as heck at them for that. I think I gave them all the excuses in the book. There were many teachers that helped me with certain subjects. I know I would never pass math without Mr. Elliott. He made it fun. Always had a smile and if you were down he could cheer you up. If you had a problem with homework he was quick at finding the best way to help you understand. Ms.Coe was my Social Studies teacher. She also made it fun to learn. She would tell us stories. I dont think there was a day she didnt. They helped you understand that she went through many things that you may have to tackle in life. She would be the one that would get me back on schedule. I will admit that at one time or two I was mad at all of them for trying to push or help. I didnt know that they were there to help. I always kept to my self. I did struggle with the Battle of the day to day challenge of fitting in. I had friends but I always felt they were friends to me cuz they felt sorry for me.. I never realize that they really wanted to be my friend till many years later. I would have bathroom problems often. It got frustrated so most nights were in tears. I also didnt know how to deal with the death of my grandma a year ago.

I went to Wolverine 6th grade Camp, where I learned some teachers care enough to make you realize they really care about you.. I can remember an incident that happened at camp. It was about the second night of being at camp.. I took my shoe off and my friends Alicia and Amy look at me and said there is something wrong with your foot. I dont have much feeling in feet so I hadnt had a clue. They went and got Ms.Lee. I remember that I was scared about to cry because they were freaked out.. Ms.Lee took one look at it and said she would be right back.. I can remember whispering around me "how did she now know" "that is really not normal" which made me more uncomfortable. Ms.Lee came back with Ms.Coe. She came over and she gave me the sweetest smile. She told me the thing I didnt think that anyone would say "Youre going to be alright". I got it bandage and went to bed. That week I was on a strict no long walking.. Ms.Lee was my team leader.. During this week I grew a true respect for her. She always was a hard teacher but during this week she made me realize she cares so much for what she does. I do remember being sad that I felt left out like the races, obstacle course, and other things. The hayride is also where I became to be friend Mr. Elliott. If you were to go back and ask if anyone knew how I felt. They would tell you that they thought I was ok.. I was never one to show my feeling or emotions. But all and all it was one of the best times Ive had ever and I would never regret going.
So that what I remember most of being 12 years old. I hope that you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for reading! Comment if you would like. Night All! Love you!!

The Living Proof (first blog i wrote on Facebook)

This is a copy of the blog I did on facebook.. There are a few people that I know would like to read my blog that dont have a facebook and this is one of my best writings I have done.. So here is the Living

I have learned so much these last few months. Some of it I wish it never happened but some things you cant change. But I’ve come to realize that its ok to trust people. Yes, some of them will steer you in the wrong path.. But so many are there to help you.. Even if its a kick in the butt. Some one told me a blog would help me so I decided I would give it a try to get some of what’s been going through my head so I could unscramble some of it.. So here it goes..

Living with a disability is hard. I know I tried my hardest not to let it define me but I know it has.. I continue to struggle with accepting it. I’ve been compare to my brothers even if its myself doing it. But watching my brothers when I was a little girl and right now is hard. They are the athletic type and got the good grades in school.. All I really wanted was to hear my parents say "I’m proud of you" for something that was important to me. I did girl scouts and other things but I honestly didn’t feel like I fit in. I even felt like I didnt belong in my own family.. They always look at me like I was a disease freak.. It never felt right to be.. I always was the spectator. Id go to Wrestling meets, football games, and other things. I would just sit there and watch. I grew accustom to that.

School to me was hard. I would look around Kids would run and jump.. People always stare. I honestly want to shout out.. Yes I walk funny and I hate it.. But I don’t.. I’ve always ask why? Why me? So many teachers/friends tried to help me through school but I just thought they have no clue what I needed or what to do. There are so many that honestly I love to pieces and I understand now that they were only trying to help. I can remember one year (3rd grade) having a puppet show that was about disabilities. I remember bringing in my doll a doctor made for me and sharing it.. That was the first time I felt like I mattered. But that feeling faded I guess.. My mom was there but I pushed her away most times. I didn’t know how to deal with me and I believed she didn’t either.. I would sit alone in my room.. I didn’t have to wear my braces, I could be "normal".. Same goes with sleeping.. I could sleep and dream of me not having a care in the world. I turned to country music to be a comfort.. I would listen to the saddest songs and cry my eyes out. I escaped the madness of the world with some songs. No one realized that is why I love listening to music. Reba is my hero because a lot of those lonely nights when I thought I didn’t have a road to turn her music was there. She gives me hope in the darkest hours. When my mom with help from a friend got me the backstage passes to meet her, I wanted to tell Reba how much she has helped me but I froze. I promise myself one day i will tell her all about it.

I did tell some of my secrets but it seemed like that when I did that person passed away or left. I have some many family and friends that are gone. Living with the guilt because when i was a little girl, I thought if i told my secrets to someone that person would leave so I began to keep them inside. I think my point where I started shutting down completely was 2000. My grandma struggled with cancer. I was unaware of exactly was happening. I can remember stopping by her house and not being able to go in because she didn’t look like my grandma and being nine years old I guess I didn’t know better. The cancer took so much out of her. I regret so many things but not going in that day basically kills me. When she died my world ended. From that point forward I hid my emotions. I went day to day making it seem like nothing was wrong. I would tell everyone that I was fine but on the inside I was dieing.. The pain slowly eats away at you till you have nothing left.. I would curl up in bed and never want to come out.. There were so many days that I just wanted to end it.. To be true I thought if I ended it who would care.. My parents got more and more frustrated with me. But I know they were trying I just didn’t realize how much.. I buried myself in a hole (I’m still in but working on it). Then my Physical Therapist from Pat died too. She helped me so much. She made me feel special. My grandpa dieing in 2006 was another place in my life that made me realize a lot. I sank farther in my hole.. Everything around me seemed like it was disappearing. I shut down.. My parents tried to help but again I pushed away. I have a long way to go.. These things don’t just correct themselves in a day or so.. I have to learn how to deal with things..

Friends are special to me. For one reason if you can accept people being different then you have a marvelous quality. I never understood what a true friend was. When I was little I wouldn’t go to friends houses because I didn’t want them to know my bathroom problems.. Honestly it still bugs me but I’m learning how to deal.. I thought if someone said hi to you. They were your friend. I realize that I don’t need a lot of people to like me. I just need the ones that support me even if i screw up in so many ways. Many people come in and out of your life. I’m a person that really doesn’t want them to leave.. I believe that friendship stays there even if you don’t talk much..

Well that’s all I can say for now. I need to get some sleep. For now I am hanging in there. I’m going to work on so many things. May take a while but I believe I need to work on me. I appreciate every person that has help me in some form. Even if its just a comment or a hug! Thank you for reading this. God Bless!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Letting Go

Hi everyone,
These are thoughts that keeping running through my mind and Im trying to sort things out and need some opinions on it all.

I know most of you already know that my parents started and owned Big E Bakery and Resturant. About 4 weeks my dad signed the papers that sold the bakery, caboose, mio bakery, and the building to my dads friend Randy Jennings.

I know its not for me to complain about but I just dont know how to not feel cheated/screwed over. I actually depended on the bakery alot. I ate there alot because its hard to cook for just one person. I always make more than I should. I then eat all of what I made. Trying to watch my weight I cant do that so i would go up and it was portion for one person. Also if I ran out of something I would go up and borrow it. The bakery was a place to go and visit with the people that worked there. I trusted alot of people there. Going in there now its seems like im not welcome by most of them. Its like its divided it two. There are a few that I consider to be my friends. I would go help with dishes and write down that hour or so just for a few dollars.  Now I go in there and do dishes just to help certain people. Sometimes they pay for it and I appreicate it. As for the scheduling, I havent actually worked in a week and half. They keep scheduling teens that spend there money on makeup, hair crap, and other stuff. Im not complaining but it would be nice to have hours a week. Talking to them is like dont understand.  Theres not many jobs around here and its a chore to try and find something.

I just cant see how you can walk away from a business that you built and not care one bit about how it  affected other people. Like the ice cream shop was my mom and I's baby kinda. We were would together on alot of things and it made me feel like I was needed. When they left for something I would be put in charge and it made me feel important. Now I feel like a tiny speck of dust.

All my parents say its Randy's problem and I know it is but for some reason I cant seem to let go and
walk away.  Its gonna take a while to get use to all this but I dont want to give up.

As for my apartment, that security of knowing dad owned it and would be there if I needed anything seems to faded. I know Randy would help in anyway its just for once I felt like dad cared enough to help me in some way.

Maybe Im just being stupid thats what most my family tells me I am about this whole thing but I just dont know anymore. Tommorows a new day! Im hanging in there!
Thanks for reading this! I appreicate you so much for caring enough to listen to a lost girl! TTFN, Dream Girl!

Friday, November 18, 2011

What are you truely thankful for?

Hi everyone, I hope whoever is ready this is having a great day/night. I ofcourse cant sleep so I thought I would write. Sometimes this can be the best way to get something off your chest. Ive been thinking with the holidays just a round the corner "What am I really thankful for?"

Heres my top 15 things/people (in no order) and why they are important and why i am thankful for them:

1.  Reba McEntire- For most of you, you know that she is my hero. Reba is more than just a singer, actress, and entertainer, she is a true human being. She inspires me everyday to fight and not give up. She makes me believe in my dreams. She may be a superstar but she will always have a special place in my heart and continue to get me through this crazy thing called life.

2. Ms. Harriett H. Coe and Ms. Kathy Green- These two women have been there for me even sometimes when I didnt even know it. Not only are they my teachers, I consider them two of my best friends. They make me feel so loved when I feel alone. They are the kick in the butt when I need it. They encouraging me to be me. They help when i fall. I dont know where I would be without these two "heroes" in my life. I owe them so much.

3. Teachers/friends (You know who you are)- There are so many of you that have helped me not only in my studies but helped me understand that its ok to be alittle different. Each of you I treasure so much!  I love you all so much! Thank you for the encouraging words.

4. Alexis Evans- She makes me silly, goofy, and she keeps me level headed. She is comfort when I need a shoulder. She makes me laugh even on the brink of bursting out crying. She helpes me so much. I just hope that she knows how much she means to me.

5.  My Family (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins) - I love my family.. dont get me wrong, they bug me alot but in the end they are still your family. They love you even if you are a big screw up. Some of them are near and some of them are so far away. I think of them everyday and hope they know I love them.

6. Keith Allen- He is a great friend. He has shown me so many things. He was one of the first people to show me how to dream and that they can come true.. One is that even though you dont see each other.. Friends still care about you.. I miss him so much and wish I could see him again sometime soon but I know he would be there for me if I ever needed anything.

7. Belle and Princess (my puppies)- They give me kisses and always welcoming me home everyday. They keep me company and give me unconditional love. I wouldnt trade them for anything!

8. My Parents- I know that they love me and I love them. I know they will be there for me always.

9. My Guardian Angels- Grandma Rita, Grandpa Ferd, Pat, Aunt Joyce, and Megan Fransee were all taken way too early. I know they are looking down on me and they will be there when its my time to go. I miss them all with my whole heart and wish to talk to them just one more time but I know I must live on. I must let them live through me.

10. ABC (Acorn Buddy Camp)- This camp is the one place I can be myself and not worry about being different. I have tons of friends through the years. The Ford Family is like my second family. Emily Powell will be my sister forever. Megan Pajtas is a sister for life. There are so many I cant name them all but I know I am proud to know every single one of them. Yes, I'll admit that some people do forget their experience at camp but I know I will never forget a single person because just by being their they made an impact on my life.

11. Friends at 94.5 The Moose (Jodi K, Jim Biggins, Joby Phillips)- These three DJs have been great friends through the years. They are funny, kind, and very caring people! Not to mention they play amazing music everyday :)

12. My Brothers- These two have seen me on some of my worst days. I know for a long time they didnt know what to think of me. They were always there to protect me though if I ever had trouble at school or somewhere else. They showed me alot when we were kids. I love them both so much. I miss them so much too!

13. The Learning Experiences- Life is a climb and with each reach is a lesson that may knock you down but it makes you stronger.

14. Jillian Micheals and Bob Harper- Losing weight I will say sucks. Its a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days you think oh i can do this and then next day you dont lose anything. That sends you in a spiral of down hill. I am inspire by these two people because of their drive and attitude to help people reach there goals.

15.  Dreams- They fuel us everyday. they can be little or huge. They can be out of this world or right in front of you.

There you have it! I hope that it made you think of what you are most grateful for! I know it was hard to limit it down to 15 things but I did it! I thank the person reading this so much! I love you!!! You may also share this with whom ever you choose. I would hoped that the people mention would read it :)  TTFN

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Weekend Bliss

Hi Everyone,

I hope that the person reading this is having a great night! I have had a few great days. Ive been hanging with my amazing cousin Alexis. She makes me laugh when I almost in tears. We have had so many different adventures.

 Last Thursday was one of the best adventures I have had in a while. Yes, I'll admit.. I was totally nervous in the morning.. I knew I was forgetting something.. I wanted to make a sign to hold up but I never got to it. Well I got all my stuff together.
I wanted to make sure I got Lexi on time. I pulled up to the high school around 12:10pm. To my surpise I saw Ms.Lee walking to the entrance. For an instance I didnt realize that was her. She asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was going to pick up Lexi for a Reba Concert in Grand Rapids. She gave me a hug and said have fun. I got Lexi from lunch and we headed to my apartment to grab the rest of the stuff before we had to pick up Samantha. We dropped Belle and Princess off my parents house and then headed to West Branch to grab Samantha. Finally getting on the highway about 1:30pm. The drive down was eventful till we got to 69. I of course took a wrong turn but with my gps we figured it out. The drive was boring for the most part. The girls werent talkative that much.

We got to Susie and Doug Ford house (thank you again to them for letting us meet there), where we left Kodie's car (not my idea to take my car but whatever).  Kodie and I arent as close as we used to be. I guess its been the distance between us. We drove to Grand Rapids doing great on time. As we enter Grand Rapids area we got the surpise of a lifetime..... SNOW! Nasty ucky snow.. I called Mrs.Green to tell her about it and know that I was thinking of her. We followed the instructions of my handy GPS. The address I had gotten off line wasnt right. It took us to a parking lot. So I tried a few people I knew that area but no anwser. Then my phone went off and it was Mrs.Green calling me back! Thank God! She used to live close to where we were. She told me the streets we needed. We finally found it.
We were still 1/2 hour early though before they would open the doors. We waited in line. There were a group of people that had backstage passes on and to be honest I so wanted to be them. Someday I hope to the lucky one again.
We finally got into the arena. Use the restroom and got food then we went to find our seats. To my surpise, AMAZING seats! They were to the right of the stage. I sat next to Lexi and Samantha and Kodie sat next to Samantha. I knew how excited Lexi was. She had never been to something like this before with me. I think that she was amazed for sure.

Eden's Edge was the first ones to perform. They were really good. I only knew one of there songs. They have there own style of music which is really good. I know I want to hear more of thier stuff. Next was Steel Magnolia. I had heard that one half of Steel Magnolia wasnt going to be there because of personal problems. The girl came out and sang a few songs. She then looked at the audience and said "I have a surpise for you all and I think he should come out and sing some songs." It was James Otto! I have loved all his songs. He harmonized on a few of Steel Magnolias songs and then they did a few of his songs! They were simply cool! Samantha got a migrane by this time so her head was in her lap. I told myself that I wasnt going to let it bother me or ruin anything. Lexi and I sang along to all the songs we knew.

The Band Perry were super, the sounding was off alittle but they were great. Lexi's eyes about popped out of her head when they came on the stage. They sang thier popular tunes like "If I Die Young", "You Lie", and "Hip to My Heart". They were very energic.

Next came out the best person on the planet, Reba Nell McEntire lit up the stage before she even sang the first note. I have seen her in concert so many times but this time just seem to take on more. Her set was more bigger. She sang songs like "You Lie" "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" "The Greatest Man I Never Knew" and so many others. I took alot of pictures. Most which were blurry but I got a few good ones. Lexi and I jammed out to a bunch of them. At the very end she left and got into her Red Dress and came back out to sing "Fancy". Im pretty sure that is her career song. I think that everyone enjoyed themselves.

We drove back to Susie's. Kodie and us went our separate ways. We headed home. Dropped Samantha off and went home. It was kinda weird to come home to an empty house. We crashed. A great way to end a great weekend!

We babysat and did dishes on Saturday. And the week starts. Gotta focus on trying to figure out me. I hope you enjoyed reading this.. TTFN