Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Fear is a prison from which I haven't found the key to unlock from it yet

Hi everyone,
I know I have been MIA For a while but there is a good reason for it.. I've started this blog about twenty times and each time I wasn't sure if it was right so I deleted it. This last few weeks have tested my will in ways I thought I couldnt handle.. I learned I have a long way to go. My house has once again tested my will. People have tested my trust and just life has tested me. I wasn't even sure I was going to continue this blog due to a thing happening this week but I decided I started this I need to keep my promise of keep writing. If this blog seems confusing I'm sorry but in honesty I'm confused as hell but I'm hoping it all makes a little sense.. I hope this helps those who I have kinda confused on these topics.. 

In this blog I want to talk about FEAR....Sure we all have fears. Some are like afraid of heights or spiders or snakes. But I'm not talking about those fears I'm talking about stop in ur tracks afraid of life fear. 

So let's start at the beginning.What is fear? Fear is defined as "an unpleasant and often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger." Fear is completely natural and helps people to recognize and respond to dangerous situations and threats. However, healthy fear -- or fear which has a protective function -- can evolve into unhealthy or pathological fear, which can lead to exaggerated and violent behavior.

I know what you're thinking EVERYONE has FEAR and I need to get over my fears and learn to deal with things.. A lot of people would think I'm strong enough to do this. I am a girl that runs from fear. Always have for a long as I remember. I always take the easy path.. For years I would push my fears aside and choose the other way.. I was scared to go out in public because of the way I walked or the fear of having a bathroom accident or just felt like I didn't belong.. It was the way I felt with having a disabilty. I was ashamed of being different. I felt like a freak of nature. I hated being fat and I hated I wore glasses. Everything right down to my shoes. I'm getting better at learning to accept who I am but fear is always here. The fear of not being enough. The fear of letting people down. The fear of the unknown.. 

I am a girl with lots of dreams but fear has stood in the way them. I always loved music and I used to have this dream of being a country singer but standing in front of people has been a fear of mine for as long as I can remember and the fear of not being good enough. A lot has to do with nerves and such but I mean even in high school I would throw up before speech class. I love to inspire people but it's hard for me to talk my feelings out so I write them but I'm always afraid of what people think of all of it. I am afraid of hurting people with what I write. I try my best not to but it's my feelings. It is why I let things bury inside my heart because I didn't want any one to be ashamed of me.  To be ashamed of what I had done. Fear held me back from doing a lot of things as a kid because I was shamed of me.  

I would love to get into school again but I am afraid of not being able to complete things and not be good enough for school. I'm not book smart by any means and it scares me as I tried college once and now I am paying student loans on loans I took out for failed classes. It scares to to waste money. My mind is boggled on what I want to be. I've always wanted to go into the country music field and become some kind of star. I also had this dream of working with my favorite animals, dolphins.. But recently I have discovered I still want that but I also want to help kids. I want to make kids smile. So many kids go thru things no kid should go thur but it happens and I want to be able to ease the pain for some. The problem is I'm unsure of that first step or be able to help.

Recently there has been talk about a chance for me to go live in South Carolina. Ok ALOT of talk. Well let's say this idea I love in a sense but in the other sense I'm freaked totally and completely "I can't sleep" out about. I would love to be south where winters are rare and sun is a lot out. I'd be able to get out more during those months. I would be going with a friend who is currently trying to sell her house up here to move down there. She opened this idea when my house began having issues. She has this whole plan for the both of us and I love most of it BUT there are some huge issues that have fears with currently have me pulling back from this completely and staying where I at. Yes there is always being the fear of being alone and such down there and the fear of not fitting in down there either but this is much more than that.. The whole idea has me pulled in so many directions I'm not sure how to go about choosing what path I so do.. There is fear on both sides of this..

Some of my fears of going: 

1. Medical(the big one)- I have never actually been my parents best kid but when it has come to my medical stuff my mom is mostly always there. I have the what if my shunt quits or I have some medical problem I don't know how to handle. The hospital I have dealt with all my life and has doctors that know my case from top to bottom would be thousand miles away.. It's not like I can call my doctor friend who has helped me since I was little and have her tell me yes u need to come right away and drive from SC to Detroit. I have talked with a few friends and they to are afraid to move away due to health issues. I have one who has more health issues because she moved and her record never made it and they screw up. She almost died. Yes I do understand my mom isn't going to be there my whole life but I don't believe I have a handle on my health issues enough to do it on my own. To be honesty it hasn't been since the past few months that I have actually dealt with a few things on my own. So this is my main reason I'm scared basically to death of moving away from this crazy little town I called home. Living with SB is becoming one of hardest lesson I'm learning as recently I have learned walking is becoming so hard as in I'm in tears most days because of pain. In all honesty I don't have a handle on my medical stuff at all yet.. 

2. Trust- I trust my friend a lot more than most but I have never been one to put all my trust in another person.. I would be uprooting everything I have ever known. For one reason I've never been to South Carolina. I haven't a clue on anything down there.. I love this friend with my whole heart and would do anything for her but there is just fear of not knowing.. Not knowing anything but what she tells me.. 

3. Driving- for years I had pushed driving aside.. I always told myself in high school I didn't go anywhere why do I need a license yet.. It wasnt till I was in my first apartment that I got the thought of driving.. Getting comfortable with driving is a hard thing as my fears with it is.. I can't bend my foot like a normal person so I kinda use my whole leg.. Now with my knee problems I am cautious as to where I drive.. And I'm not one to like driving with a lot of cars around.. I'd pick a country back road over a expressway every day.. I know I would probably get used to driving there but it's a really long way..  

4. My house- this house has tested my patience this winter for sure but there is a lot of ways I love it.. It's small.. There isn't a lot of people around.. Not a lot of traffic.. It decorated almost to what represents me.. There's a garage..  I just got internet hooked up and its affordable.. There a lot I could do with this house.. And my girls love it

5. People- I know I try to avoid people but in all honesty I like how I know a lot  people around here and   If I ever had a problem there would be someone here. Down there I have one person and my girls.. 

There is a few more but I think u get the point.. So let's talk about my fears if I don't go.. 

1. Missing out- i would miss out an oppuniuty of leaving this town full of gossip, drama and feeling out of place.. I would miss out being closer to the ocean.. I would miss out on getting this oppuniuty again mostly likely.. 

2. This house- I know it's a fear of leaving too but it fits both sides..  I don't want to be stuck here forever.. I want to someday live on the ocean.. To be able to be where my dreams lay.. I know this town isn't where my dreams are.. 

3. Disappointing people- I hate this fear the most.. This actually could go on both sides.. I love a lot of people and I don't want to let them down.. I know they say they will always love and support me but there is the fear of it I don't go will they stop helping me because I'm totally lost at this living thing.. 

This whole situation has me tangled there is so much fear behind it all and I'm not sure what to do.  I feel like this person pulled in so many directions I'm about to break. I don't know what my heart is telling me as part of my heart is scattered all over this town but it also is in my dreams.. 

Most people I have discuss this with has told me to talk to the one person I valid her opinion.. Here's my answer to that she is currently super busy and I respect her way too much to bug her with my pityness but someday I hope to ask her opinion on it all.. Not to mention a few of her magic hugs are needed but I'm hanging in there. Lol :) I love you if ur reading this HHC!! 

So that is that.. I'm a complete total mess with life.. I'm running in circles.. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and freaking on that.. It could go anyway.. But for now I am living for today.. I'm going to figure this all out someday but for now I have to focus what's in front of me.. Thank u for reading and I want you all to know I love you with my heart!!