Friday, April 17, 2015

starving for love

Hi everyone who is still following this blog,

First I want to apologize to all of you who have wanted me to write more.. There are a lot of reason I stop writing but the main reason was I didn't want to hurt anyone with anything I wrote.. I was afraid my emotions and feelings were going to hurt people and that is not why I want to blog.. I want to write to help people who might feel the way I do.. I honestly didnt know if i would ever write again because I hated the fights, the feelings of regret, saddness, anger and such with all the events i write about and such.. I realize now that even if I dont write the feelings are always there and if writing them out can help me feel ok I have to try..

The past year or so I have learn alot about myself and about my life that in all honest I really dont know how to untangle.. my life at this very moment is so shaken up and stirred I have been battling demons I had kept at bay for so many years.. But I will update you all on the events of the last year in another post.. This post may be a bit confusing and such but to truly understand how I feel. It will be confusing as I am as confused as a person can get..

Tonight I want to talk about a subject I have been thinking about for a few and in all honesty I really struggling with.. A friend of mine a few nights ago says to me Jen, youre starving for Love.. You want it so bad you will look for it anywhere.. I laid down that night after we talked and it hit me square in the chest... Is it so bad to want arms that wrap u up in a hug and never let go? Is it wrong to want lay beneath the stars with someones arms around you? Is it impossible to want someone to look into your eyes and tell you that you are beautiful and your life matters? Is it wrong to want to be someone number 1? Is it why i push people i care about away most of the time?

As a little girl I was always the one who was different.. The one who walked like a peguin.. The one who wore diapers.. The one who didnt know she had to go to the bathroom unless someone told her.. the one that was too bull headed to do what the doctors said.. the one who would sit in the drs office while they ask me questions and i couldnt answer.. I honestly dont remember a time I didnt felt a bit out of place.. My parents and I have what some would call a very rocky relationship for sure.. I can remembers we would get into alot of fights about things and words were said in all honest I came to believe them to be true as the years went on.. As a little girl\teenager what is said about you is what you start to believe..  As much as I love my parents I have never felt close enough to feel I mattered enough or that i count run to them for much.. I honestly felt like I was the problem and that everything that happen was my fault..  I became to believe I was never gonna be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough..  I let the dreams of  my dad chasing away boyfriends, the dream of being asked out, the dreams of having a magically prom... I let the dream daddy teaching his daughter how to drive and getting her her first car die.. I guess they felt I never needed any boy talks or anything as I never was confident enough to go out with anyone.. Never actually had a boyfriend all thru school minus the jokes i was part of..  I felt that I didnt deserve to be loved by anyone as I began to not care what I wore to school or how I felt.. the harder anyone tried to push the harder i would turn it around to my fault..

I can remember when i was old enough I was left home when they would go to sports events and such.. when computers first come out we had one in the office.. when i was left home i would sneak onto chatrooms and such.. Yes, i know dangerous, stupid and such but I felt alone and in all honesty I just wanted to feel speical.. I think I was 16 when i  met a guy online from Nigeria.. He was sweet and began to call me beautiful.. He even sent me a bunch of gift baskets in the mail once.. (I was lucky my parents were home when they arrived).. I have done many things I regret online in the past but I see now I just wanted Love any kind of love..

I know most people know the whole Reba thing but its so much more than just admiring a singer.. When my grandma died I felt beyond abandoned and lost.. Finding her music was God sent I know and I know I will never truly understand it but from that day of the first song I began to fill my emptyiness with love from a woman who I felt was the only one that cared.. She  realeased a song right around the time of my grandmas death called I`ll Be.. It is a song that takes about being there for someone always.. I would listen to it and believe somehow Reba would always be there for anytime I needed her to be... I would come home from school and would go straight to my room.. Sounds crazy but I would sit on my bed and talk to her poster I had of her.. When I was scared or frighten I would play Ill Be.. Her show came out in 2001 and each time I watched it I would imagine myself as one of her daughters and taking in all of her advice and such.. For the first time I believe someone would actually be there for me always even if it was just thru her show, her music, and such..  so she is the one i turn to in time of need.. 

As the days, weeks, months, and years passed I began to feel like I couldnt get close to anyone anymore because when I did they would leave me.. I didnt want to get hurt anymore.. I have pushed so many people away for silly reasons but I am begining to understand why.. I didnt want them to get close and up and leave or something happen and they pass away.. I began to believe i wasnt good enough to be loved.. I didnt deserve to be loved.. i began to feel like the unwanted puppy in the cardboard box that no one wanted or wanted to play with.. i felt out in the cold..

Since being home from South Dakota I have felt more and more alone than ever.. not having a car isnt helping much but its hard trying to believe in yourself when you feel like your not worth anyone time.. The end of March 2015 I found an app on my ipod called Meet Me.. Yes its a dating app and yes its not the best way to meet people when you are lonely you get desprate.. Well I met a guy one day who actually didnt asked for pictures and such and just wanted to talk and get to know.. We talked for like four days and i felt like we had a connection somehow.. i dont know the first thing about guys or how to act towards a guy.. i was scared out of my wits.. We exchanged phone numbers and began to text.. we exchanged Face pictures and he would always call me beautiful and would say he wish I truly would understand how amazing I was.. Other guys online usually called me pretty or good looking but most were just looking to score or something.. For the first time in my life I actually felt like a guy really like me for me.. He would text me everyday and just ask me how i was and everything.. We talked about my SB and such and he said no matter what I looked... it was want was on the inside that matter most.. for a week we just talked and then he asked me if I would be his girlfriend.. He asked he could call me his.. He said from the first time we chatted he knew i was special.. Well so I went on a leap of faith and said yes.. We started calling each other then next day and for the next week he would call me each day to talk.. we didnt usually talk alot but just having him there was something I really liked.. he could make me smile with one joke or by saying something sweet...

Well with all great things I usually mess them up and oh I mess this up nicely it seems.. He and I planned to meet in June.. We talked about what he would do when he came to see me and such and in all honesty I was so wrapped up in love I couldnt think straight and agree to things I shouldnt have and I should have talk to him directly about them but instead I intrusted on a few friends and i love them dearly and treasure there advice.. On thursday I believe I sent him a letter calling it my truth letter and it had things from the whole I think the meeting idea wasnt going to work to Im embrassed of my bathroom situation.. sending it didnt go as planned i sent it kinda on a wim but I had agrued with a friend I have had since grade school and I was afraid of losing that friendship.. Let just say I had fifteen voices in my head and I just wanted them to stop but instead I added his words to my mess of a head.. He told me he felt hurt and that he felt played.. he felt i wasnt being honest with him.. for the first time he hung up the phone without saying I love you or anything he just hung up.. I felt beyond alone broken.. I had no one to turn to.. I felt I had just lost the best thing that had ever happen to me.. that night I tried to end it all for the first time in years... I was closer than i had been ever.. but Ill be came on and so I just cried the rest of the night and fought on for life..  He didnt speak to me for three whole days.. I continued to seek out advice from others and finally i broke.. I sent him the most hardest text I had ever written because I believed he was so much better off with out me.. i didnt think i deserved his love or his kindness.. all in all dealing with the first of my broken hearts (boywise) isnt fun... i pushed him away like i push everyone I care about away.. 

willl i ever be able to not be scared to let someone in? will i be able to not push people away? will i ever feel more than a failure or second rate? will i ever feel ok again? so many questions run thru my head each day and i honestly struggle each day with will i ever be good enough? 

 sorry for this being kinda of a mess up post but im so confused on life right now im just trying make sense of it all.. 

ttfn, dreamgirl

ps. sometimes the people who lift others up just dont want others to feel as worthless as they do..