Wednesday, December 17, 2014
There are so many reasons I haven't wrote a blog in a while but the truth is I didn't want to hurt anymore and I didn't want to hurt anyone else.. But the God honest truth I'm hurting and it's hurting my relationship with life.. So here I am going to explain to anyone who cares to read this.. This may not make a lot of sense but I have to aleast try to get some of it out.. I don't want pity.. I just want people to understand how I'm not ok and why I do the things I do.. I'm trying to reach out like I needed to when I was ten years old and my world was crashing down.. But I want to have people realize I truly am trying..
For most of my life I have hid away.. Hiding in the shadows of everything I can find.. Hiding everything about my spina bifida because I was and still to this day ashamed of it.. Since I was little I have locked up my emotions because I believe everything is my fault.. I honestly believe God was/is punishing me for not being perfect.. Every time something happens or happen in my life my head says to my heart it was/is my fault.. Every fight I have had with my parents, every mistake I've made, everything.. I would punish myself for everything not right.. I sank lower and lower till it became my life.. I have went on like nothing has bothered me at all.. All my life I have just wanted to be accepted and love and in all honesty I pushed away everyone who tried to unlock the lock on my heart.. I want to make a difference in this world just like anyone but I buried that key so down and I vowed 14 years ago I was not gonna let anyone see the struggling girl who's heart was shattered in a million pieces and felt and feels abandoned and alone.. I bottled up all the anger, frustration, sadness, and such.. I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with but all I want is to belong to feel I'm worth something.. I'm so tired of being scared of everything especially happiness..
I have never felt ok with anything about me.. I guess i looked at the way my parents looked at my brothers and the way my dad would be so proud of them.. I felt/feel like the daughter they never wanted.. It's just the way I learned to grow up.. I wanted to be normal so much and I was gonna get it some way or another.. I guess it's why I try so hard to push myself... I even began to neglect a lot of my health things.. I let myself believe if I didn't do them they would correct themselves which brought more tense between people and myself..
One of the only people who could see the hurting I felt was a woman who I don't know how to live without.. She knew the lies behind the smiles.. She gave me the courage to fight and when she died.. I lost it all.. I felt and feel abandon by life and scared to carry on because I didn't want to forget her.. I was anger with God for taking the one person who understood me.. I hold so much regret because I never got to tell her I love her and I was sorry for not seeing her that time she needed me.. I sat in the car and cried.. The day of her funeral haunts me every single day.. I pushed every good memory away and forgot them..
From that day on I have punished myself for not reaching out to the one person who needed me the most and I needed her.. Since I was ten years old I've tired so hard to reach out and tell people I was not ok.. My parents never saw it and I guess turned a blind eye to it.. They didn't see a lot of things.. They assumed it was my stubbornness and I let them believe it and everyone else to believe it.. But I do know when ur little and ur parents say a few times they give up on you, a child starts to believe it's true.. I went on believing I was all alone and no one would ever want to love a screw up like me.. I went on pushing myself to be the normal daughter and person everyone seemed to want. it was my hope one day I'd be ok again and not hurt anymore but I never have believe it because I never knew how to be ok.. I would push myself to tears but I would never cry in front of anyone.. I kept quiet on my feelings on everything.. I let things eat away at me so much I began to believe there was no hope in the world for me..
I prayed every night for God to just take the hurt away.. I prayed everyday the one question that haunts my every move in life... WHY? I know only he knows why he does the things he does but when u start asking why it consumes u so much.. I'd ask why did she have died? Why did any of the, have to died? Why did u make the world? Why do we all let bad things happening?
When I reached out the first time I believed I could finally be free but I found it not so easy to actually tell the truth.. How do u tell someone u rather not live at all then live a life full of shame, guilt, and fear? How do u tell someone u feel abandoned and not wanted? So I tried my hardest to write it down.. I started this blog thinking it would free me.. That I would feel ok.. Well I began to read things and learned that it was hurting people so I stopped.. I became ashamed of my feelings and believed I should have just kept quiet.. I went back into my shadows and went on just following the flow of things.. I just want and wanted to be wanted by someone..
Years went by and I began to try new things but I knew nothing stayed the same.. So I never got my hopes up on anything.. This past year I took a leap of faith and went out west to my brothers house.. I was suppose to stay out there till news years.. My mom showed up and I convinced myself I needed to come home because I was needed here .. I came home to a mess.. And realized I left because I was actually living out there and being myself so I did was I seem to do best and ran away.. So I'm back here trying to keep my faith and trying to reach out to the light..
I do know God loves me and I have a long road ahead of me.. I thank him everyday for another day and for the gifts of hope he has given me.. I know Reba and country music was put in my life for days and nights I think I can't go on.. It keeps the light at the end of the tunnel that I used to ignore for a lot of years..
I just want to be ok again.. I want to be able to look in the mirror and love the person inside it.. I want to nothurt so much! None of this probably makes sense but it's the truth.. The truth of a heart trying to heal but doesn't know how to.. A heart that wants to feel important and matter..
Thanks for being part of my life!! Please know I can't do anything with all of you!!
Ttfn, dream girl