Saturday, May 26, 2012

One little word with so much meaning

Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to let you know that I am still here. Some days I wont lie, I wish I wasnt but somehow I pull through one way or another. I just feel like I want to do something.. Just not sure what... Its like being in a tunnel with two ways out and your unsure which way to do go. and so you sit down and ponder. Well I have sat for 11 years now and not sure my next move.

A little while back I went with a friend (Jenna Jones :) ) to have a Spa Day. I knew of this friend in high school but we were never really friends. I connected with her on Facebook. She had ask me if I wanted to have a spa day with her. I was really kinda scared to begin with. I'm self conscious for one. Im not one to wear a bathing suit in front of people. There is always the fear of accidents due to my Spina Bifida. But I took a chance and I agreed to go with her. I had a lot of things that rang through my mind. This happens to every thing I do. But after getting there and relaxing. Realizing that she didnt care about my differences, she just wanted to be a friend. She didn't have to reach out to a complete stranger but I so owe her so much for that day and for being such a sweet person. She is truly one of my best friends now. I honestly had the most fun I have had in a while. I learned that day that I need to quit worrying about the little things and enjoy myself.  So that little story goes into what this post is all about..... Enjoy! 

I wanted to talk about something that is a big topic in my life.. Its a simple thing called Fear. OK, so its not such a simple thing. Its actually a huge complicated thing. So I want to break it down and tell you what scares me the most.

Fear.. One little word with so much meaning.. Fear can be the sweat dripping down your face as you walk along through the woods . Fear is the anxiety of waiting for your report card, so you can grab it first rather then your parents. Fear is all the sharks swimming freely in the ocean while you are swimming. Fear is "a feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the existence or presence of danger." A disturbance when danger is around or when you experience jeopardy, you yourself are worried for your well-being and comfort. Fear is a negative emotional state that is a state of mind. A state or condition marked by this feeling, says that it is the stipulation that you are in or that you think of when you are scared. There are many different opinions on the real meaning of the word "fear" and most dictionaries have different examples as well. There are many different types of fears, known as phobias, which are abnormal, or irrational fears of specific things. The word phobia comes from the Greek word, Phobos, meaning fear. The most well known phobia is most likely arachnophobia, which is the fear of spiders. no matter what, everyone experiences fear at some point of their life.

You could experience fear when someone frightens you and they surprise you and you jump in bewilderment. Some people will say that you made their heart stop or something of the sort from being so surprised. Some people scream as loud as possible and quiver. Also some people are so scared that they just stand there like they are frozen. Some people may pass out like in the movies, but that probably doesn't happen often. People who are easily frightened are categorized as "scardy cats." I believe it's because cats are also easily frightened.

Growing up I feared a lot of things like not fitting in anywhere, having accidents in public, not finding friends that are true, and not living up to my parents expectations. I also have a big fear of spiders, rodents, snakes, and sometimes the dark. I feared my parents loved my brothers more because they were athletic and not different like me. I always kinda felt like a burden to my family. I also feared being rejected by people everywhere. I would throw a fit to use a wheelchair places because of the stares I would get. I feared every time I go to Detroit , that they would tell me that I would need surgery. I have what you would call a huge stage fright issue. I am also scared to death of change. Small or big. I have a fear that I wont be able to get to talk to my hero Reba someday (I try not to think of this because I truly believe it will happen but there is always that little voice in your head). Another big one for me is the fear of letting one in my heart again due to the fear of them being taken from me. 

Now that I am grown, I have learned my fears are something that drives my life. I know I shouldn't let them but I'm unsure how to "go out and kick ass" :)  I know for me I hid from fear. Run as far and as fast as I can in the other direction. Yeah, I know that is not what you are suppose to do but I've done it for some many years.  

Many people are asking me about the dentist.. A lot of people are telling its just the dentist.. No big deal... But to be dead honest its a HUGE deal personally for me. I have admitted in previous posts that when my Grandma Rita died I shut down. Well when I was a little girl, we would take trips down to the Dr. Hale's office to get our teeth cleaned and checked. My Grandma was a receptionist at the office. I can remember going in and she would always be there at the counter. She would go back in the room with us too if we wanted. She was there when I honestly was scared out of my mind. She would tell me it will be ok and that after we would go out and have fun. She would tell us funny things to make me smile.  Every time I went to the dentist, she was there. Most people say that I need to just get over it because I am a grown up and she is gone. I cant change that. But its a process Im working with. I remember about a year after she died. Going with my mom to the dentist. I got through the cleaning and such and then couldn't do it anymore and ran out... I never went back to one for almost 10 years! 

 I recently have step foot back into the dentist office. My mom had to work so I went alone. I was scared to death. I walked into the waiting room and sat down. My mom told me to take my IPod to listen to Reba to calm my nerves. (Reba is a huge help in the fear category) The hygienist called my name and I followed her back to the room. There was the chair and all the tools. I sat down and it was like I was sucked into my mind. Pictures of my grandma came into view. Her holding my hand. The last day I saw her.  I stayed calm till it was all over. The dentist came in and told me all I needed done and that set in the fear head on. I walked quietly out to my car. I really wanted to call my mom and cry my eyes out. but I got in my car and drove home. I balled all the way there. Sent a text to my mom. It read "Do you really want to know why I hate going to the dentist?.... She isn't there anymore!" A friend calmed me down over a chat on facebook.. Thank you! You know who you are :)  Its isn't that I hate the dentist. I just didn't want to relive the memories. There is a reason I buried them so far underneath. Especially the sad memories of knowing she will never hold my hand again.

I know that I will not just get over my fears in one day or week or even a year but I am ready to go head on with some of them. Some of them I will have to take them step by step. I ask of my friends, that they continue to help me get through my fears and understand that I am ready to face them but I may need a little or a lot of help to get through them because I give up easier than I should. I need them to know not to give up on me because if they do then I will. Even if I can say it, I need help!   

Here my little piece of advice on fear.. If you cant do it on your own ASK FOR HELP! 

Thank you for reading! TTFN, Dream Girl 


  1. I think that maybe you are thinking of the dentist in the wrong way. It's not a place that should be filled with emotional pain for you, but a place of memories. When you walk in, think of the strength that your grandma gave you. How she held your hand tight and told you that everything would be ok. Then, remember that she is still there, right next to you, and try to have strength in that. It's one place you can have control over. You can choose to not let the dentist scare you. You can choose to be strong. <3

  2. Gee, I believe I told you that Grandma Rita was there the whole time. And you went back, so that's a good thing. Each day you get up and face a fear is a day you can count as a positive.
    I've got your back, Jen. <3

  3. I continue to be amazed and impressed at you willingness and ability to dig through the trash in your head and find the pieces of value, then work on actually getting rid of the rest. I am a huge emotional "hoarder" and I fiercely hold on to those fears, phobias, anxieties with both hands - even thought I'm a grown-up and know that those fears hold me back. Part of it is because I worry that if I manage to let go of all my fears there won't be treasure buried underneath and I'll find out I'm just a pitiful human being. I'm still running fast from that one! LU