Friday, February 10, 2012

Someone watching over me

Hi Everyone,
As I sit here tonight I cant help and think of so many questions that pop in my head. Many of them probably will never be answered but I can aleast ask them. Why are we put on this earth? Is it to help people? Is it to help the earth? If we were put on the earth for a purpose why does it always come with a price? I know that everyone has a purpose but how does a person find that one true thing they need in life? Why do people leave this earth so early?

Tonight though, Im going to tell you about a person that came and left my life in what seems like a blink of a eye. Im also going to tell you the day that I lost part of me ( and to this day I am still trying to find how to heal this part of me little by little.)  I touched on this alittle in a previous post but heres more detailed!

My Grandma Rita Marie Mirani is my hero and one of the strongest people Ive ever met. She was the one that could light up a room when she entered. She knew how to make your nerves disappear just like that. My early memories of my Grandma are gone and Im broken hearted that they are. As I grow up more and more memories are becoming fuzzy or disappearing all together. I dont know how to ever get those back. I can remember going to her house before my compehension visits in Detriot so we didnt have to get up so early. She would make my nerves disappear and sometime would attend those Dr. Appts. They just seem so go alot smoother with her there. I remember going to the dentist office to see her and take her out to lunch, and who can forget Christmas at her house. Im not sure exactly when my grandma was diagnose with Cancer but all I can remember is as the years went by the cancer was taking her little by little. My grandma always there for me if I need a smile or a stern talking to.  I know I wasnt the easiest kid was I was little, I know now that wasnt sure of myself and how to react to most of my surroundings. How could a little kid see her hero slipping away from her. 

The date was June 2000. I was ten years old. I was sitting doing arts and crafts at Camp Fishtales, a camp I attended the previous 2 years. I remember talking to my friend Misty about how excited I was to be back and how much fun it was to be around kids with disabilities. For the first time I felt like I belonged somewhere. As a bunch of us sat there doing our crafts and chit chating. I heard my name called. I looked around for a moment and didnt see anyone.. Then all of a sudden I heard it again. I looked over my shoulder to see my dad. There was something about his face that I knew something was up. My dad never shows alot of emotions but by the way he carried himself I knew something bad had happened.

At camp we slept in these bunk houses. It was a little walk from the meal hall. Dad told me that we need to grab some of my stuff.  We walked in silence for a few. We reached my bunk house and he looked at me and told me that my Grandma Rita died. He told me that we need to get some of my stuff so we could attend her funeral. I couldnt believe. I didnt want to believe it! I went into the bunkhouse while dad waited outside. I sat on the bed and balled. It felt like part of me died. I wiped my eyes and got my things. The ride back to West Branch was silent. I didnt know what to say. 

We got to McLauren Funeral home in West Branch. My mom was there waiting for me. She knew that I just wanted to cry but was holding it in. She told me it was ok to cry. I saw people there I didnt really know. There were so many pictures of Grandma. I was so unsure what to think of it all. I sat on my moms lap for alot of service. I can remember them playing "I dont want to miss a thing" by aerosmith and "Angel". I dont know exactly why I went out to the hallway but I can remember sitting on this couch and all of sudden there was a hand on my shoulder. It was Dr. Hale, my grandma's boss. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me he was so sorry. I also remember going to the Austin park with Grandma Joni. There is another part of my Grandma's funeral that I can remember so clearly. My mom told me that I had a special thing of flowers from a friend. I can remember how much I loved those flowers. They made me realize I had someone that cared enough for me. Back then I didnt realize it but that friend would become one of my best friends.

That night I cried myself to sleep. The next day my parents insisted I go back to camp. I went but I just wanted to be left alone. They wanted to play sports when I returned and all i wanted to do was sit in my room. I can remember listening to one of couselor telling Marybeth (camp director) How I didnt want to do anything. Then Marybeth telling her to let me stay and that my grandma had died. I cried that whole day. I knew somehow I couldnt just stay in bed so I attended camp activities the rest of camp and acted if nothing was wrong.

As the months went by little by little the hurt grew and grew but I kept it locked inside. It killed that I didnt say goodbye to her. I was so mad at my family for not letting me say goodbye. I felt so alone. Thats when the "depression" kicked in full swing. I can remember so many times I just wanted to end it so I could see her again. I felt so distance from my family. I tried my hardest to not let it show. My mom and I got in so many agruements and I would blame my grandma.. I just wanted to tell my mom the way I felt but I couldnt. That would set off the thoughts too. She never would understand.  I also wanted to reach out to people but I wasnt sure exactly how to tell anyone how I felt. I let it eat me alive. I let so many people think I was ok.  

One day i found a song that touched me so much. Ill Be become the song of comfort. Thats when I turn to Reba McEntire (thats another story "WHY REBA"). I saw some light at the end of this dark tunnel.  

Now as I sit here writing this tonight. I know I may never get over my Grandma's death but Im slowly learning how to deal with it. I still have many nights I cry myself to sleep and also still have those dreams that she appears and I reach out and cant seem to hold her. I miss the sound of her voice, her hugs. But I realize now that there are  so many things that I know my Guardian Angel sends me or had a hand in showing me. I know she had a hand in me finding Reba, and she helps me everyday by giving me people that I need to show me the way.

Two great examples I think Grandma Rita had a hand in showing me are Ms.Coe and Mrs.Green. These two I believe my Grandma sent me to help me heal this void in my heart by showing me that they care about me and that I its ok to trust some people again.  They both knew my grandma before she died. Though Im not sure details but I knew she must trusted them. 
Mrs. Green was the friend that sent me those flowers at my Grandma Rita's funeral. She has been there for me ever since that first day in third grade. I know I pushed her away for so many years but back then I didnt realize that I needed her help. Same thing happened with Ms.Coe. I never really wanted to let her know what was going on with me. I did notice though that the hugs from these two had the same "power" that my grandmas had. I never really reached out to them till recently. I never realized that all they wanted was to help me. They are so sweet and show me so much even if they arent with me. One major thing is that I can get through the storms of life, all you have to do is reach out to someone and do be afraid to tell someone. I am forever grateful for these two teachers! They are two of my best friends! I only hope they know how much I love and appreciate them! I would be here without them and so many others! So Thank you! Each day I look for things that remind me of Grandma Rita. Some make me sad but others make me remember the woman that fought the hardest to stay alive. It makes me what to fight on!     

All I can say to the person reading this is to tell your love ones you love them everyday, ten times a day if you have to because one day they wont be there and it will make your life miserable. Also that there are people out there that want to help all you have to do is reach out your hands to see who can help you stand back up.

Thank you for reading! Love you! TTFN, Dream Girl

Ps. If you would like to comment and dont want to make an account just select anonymous. :) I love reading all the feedback from this blog. makes me what to write more!


  1. I remember a time Jen, when you and your friends made teacher appreciation awards; don't think for a second you didn't impact their lives too! Keep writing,Jen.

  2. Write on Miss Jen. But next time tell me I need Kleenex before I start. Love you, bunches.

  3. OOOOOOOOOOH OOOOOOOOOOOH GIRL! You got it goin' on. Another very powerful post, and it is amazing how much your writing for an audience has improved in such a short time. You are naturally talented, but you are also learning your "craft". I'm thinking that if you start writing the memories you have firmly in your mind now you may find that some of those memories that are getting hazy will start to come back. Today is a day that I'm feeling particularly loved and blessed for a lot of reasons, and your post is definitely one of them! Thanks so much.