Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Mixed emotions with no way to turn
So I haven't wrote a blog post in almost a year which is so sad because I have probably lost all my readers! But this past year was one of changes.. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of them.. It's like I'm in unknown territory and not sure which way to walk next.. Sorry if this is confusing as I am trying to unboggle my brain tonight...
I moved into my first house.. One would be excited and I was at first you know the imagine of this perfect little house that is just mine.. Well I am trying to hang onto the positive side of this whole thing as it has turn into a nightmare I want to wake up from.. I don't know if it's just winter but I have cried more since living here it's terrible.. It all began with the heat.. Pellet stove quit after working a few weeks.. Then furnace got started.. We'll that almost burned my house down.. We got the pellet stove going and i ran out of pellet one night.. Of course my pipes freeze.. And it went downhill from there.. But for now I am working on being warm and pipes are doing ok.. First of all I am not one to be able to fix things.. I'm a person that has to have instructions and many things around this house doesn't have them.. It's hard though because I thought this is what I wanted a house all to myself and have a yard and such but I realized that I did want it but not like this..
Lately I have been wrestling with so many emotions I am not sure how to untangle them. For years in I have tried to be the perfect daughter to make up for what I had done as a kid.. One would look at me and my family and see a happy family but we are far from it.. I love my family but I haven't felt I belonged since I can remember.. I was the little girl that wet her pants or couldn't do what others were doing.. I would throw fits and lock myself in my room and listen to music . When I was in my senior year of high school I was shipped to my grandparents house to finish school.. I know my parents thought it was the best thing for me as all my mom and I did was argue but For years I convinced myself I was nothing.. I was just someone they could ship away when they didn't want me.. I would never be the boys and I will never be the perfect daughter... My dad isn't the best to understand things and to this day i don't have the best relationship with him. I know they tried the best but I don't understand any of it.. I know it's my fault for not listening and not doing what I was suppose to do..
I feel like a failure.. I feel like this girl that can't make her parents and others proud.. I have these dreams but I have no clue how to reach or step towards them.. I don't know how to do a lot of things like health wise and such.. I feel like a low life living off the state and not being able to help myself..
Thanks for reading!! Sorry if it hard to understand I'm just trying to figure it all out
Ttfn, dream girl