Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Holding on to Faith, Friends,and Dreams

Dear Everyone,
I hope that you are having a great night! I really appreciate you and all the people who read these posts. Every person that reads these has been a blessing even if you just read them :) I hope that one day that I can make a difference in someone life just like many people have in mine.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this change thing in life and life in general. Change is one thing that is hard for me to understand or accept. It honestly scares the crap out of me. If you talk to any of my family they will tell you that they don't think that I can change because of how I react to it. I know that if you told me in 2003 that I would be writing a blog with alot of details of my demons I would tell you that you are crazy and no one cares to what I write. I know now that I care what I write and I can only hope that others care too. It comes straight from within me and it true..

I was sitting on a swing a few days ago when it was beautiful out (I hadnt been on a real swing in years)... I put my iPod in my ears and was listening to Reba and others. Everything seem to go away. It was the best feeling in the world... I didn't have to worry about anything. I could honestly sit there for hours.. I got to thinking how in the hell can I get through this? Am I strong enough to fight?  I don't have an answer for these question yet but I know it has something to do with Faith, Friends, Reba and Country Music, and my dreams. If I believe in those even if believing in me is hard I think I can get through.

What most people dont understand is that a person that lives with depression or a disability sometimes live each day with self doubt. Its an issue Ive battled with for years and continue to battle to this day. When I was little I would compare myself to the other kids. If I saw them doing jumping jacks or running a mile. I would try when I would get home in front of the mirror and fail. Then I would keep telling myself I was a loser because I couldnt do a simple jumping jack. I would get discourage when I walked the mile and it took me ten minutes. Living in a small town with no kids that deal with Spina Bifida each day is hard but Ive learn that its not impossible.  

This past week or so has been an eye opener for me (yes the email I got from my hero is the thing that kick this new path in high gear) due to the fact that I am one that is not very good at believing in myself at all. I've always had this issue of not liking who I am. A lot of it stems from having a disability but a lot of it didnt it came from my lack of self esteem. I thought and sometimes still do think that God is punishing me with this disability and taking the people that understood me the most and who I trusted the most. I know I will never understand why I have Spina Bifida but I am working on getting through all my emotions.

A lot of my cousins are what you would say Glamour Girls. Makeup. going out on dates. cleavage. the whole package. I was in so aww of them and a lot of the time jealous. I grew up with brothers who like to get dirty and play in the mud. I tried my hardest to be girly but honestly I hated it. Dresses were the worst for me.. But as I've grown up, I've also decided that its not bad to be girly sometimes.

Im gonna tell you something that I will never forget about being "girly". My brother Jesse married his high school sweetheart Mallissa in October this past year. I was very honored to be one of the bridesmaid in the wedding. But before the wedding I was scared out of my mind. Mallissa had pick out the dress and everything and to me I just didn't think that I would fit into this dress properly. I dreaded this dress and all the came with it. As the day approached I got more nervous. You have all those thoughts of what ifs. Well I got my hair done and everything and got in this dress. I looked at myself and I felt pretty for the first time in a long time. It was kinda like a fairy tale feeling. I didn't worry about walking different or nothing. People weren't looking at me as a disabled person they saw me for me and I could honestly believe it myself that night.  I know it was all about them but that night is a night that I will never forget because for the first time I realize I can be pretty and not feel ashamed.
My brother Jesse and I dancing for the dollar dance. :) 
My friends are the world to me. Even if I haven't seen them in years I know that when I need them they will be there. I never really trusted a lot of people when growing up. I kept a lot of people at arms length. I hid under my shield and blocked anyone that tried to get close. As I continue my journey I learn that friends are what keep us going in life. Yes, there will be those that take and not give but you learn from those and better yourself. I have friends that give me advice, ones I can tell anything to, but I also have ones that are there to teach me lessons. It all depends on trust. I know if I am a true friend to someone even if they don't want me to be then someday I can find those that are true friends to me.

I wont go into much detail with the dreams part because I have a lot in my other posts but I cant stress enough how important your dreams are. Big or small.. It could be a day at the beach with friends or finding a cure for cancer. I know a big one for me is to find who I am and what my purpose is in life.  I also want to actually get to sit down and talk with Reba McEntire someday. Find out exactly what she believes and get her advice with self esteem. Dreams help me day to day to wake up with a smile on my face and know that if I believe it them hard enough and I don't give up that one day I will give my hero and Martina McBride and hug and tell her that even million miles away that she saved my life and that I am forever grateful for that. Also that I will find my purpose in this crazy life. So my advice that I will continue to say is Never and I MEAN NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS!!!!!

I will be honest some day are a struggle to get out of bed and face the day but if I take it one day at a time. One mountain climb at a time, I'll get there someday.  In my dreams and like most people dreams all things are mostly perfect. But I know that if I continue to believe in faith, friends, my hero, and my dreams I think that I can learn to cope in different ways than I had in the past. There is a saying that says "What goes around, comes around". I believe that if I can help others believe in their selves that I can learn to do that myself.

Thank you again for reading. Leave comments if you wish on here or Facebook and let me know how I'm doing!


  1. This brought tears to my eyes. You are far more special than you give yourself credit for. It's funny, because you probably didn't even know me in high school.. I was an underclassman. But, even though you didn't know me, I was always looking up to you with admiration for your determination and strength. You are someone who is not just beautiful on the outside, but the inside. Your inner beauty radiates, and I have always seen that about you.

    When you're feeling down, or like you just want to give up, think of girls like me. Girls who could be looking to you at that very moment in adoration, and you don't even realize it.

    Don't let them down:)

  2. You don't need a ton of make-up to be beautiful. It's not necessary to look like a "Glamour Girl" every day. You ARE beautiful.

    You don't see how you look to the rest of us. On days when we feel down, your smile is enough to make us cheer up.

    Jen, you are more beautiful than you can imagine and all the make-up in the world can't change that.