Wednesday, November 23, 2011

It does hurt !!!

Hi Everyone,
I hope who ever is reading this is well and enjoying life.. It taking me a few days to think about what I wanted to talk about next. This whole blog thing is new and I'm not one that lets my feelings down on paper. I am slowly learning to let it all out.

The last few days Ive been trying to figure out how to speak out about Bullying.. I see so much in the news about kids/adults commiting sucide and the contributing most of it to being bullying. It didnt hit home till a friend of mine wanted to take her life because she thought everyone hated her and that no one cares. Its so sad to know that people can be so cruel but with living with a disability, people can be cruel even if they dont know they are. Alot of people dont accept change and if someone different they have to hide there fear to learn about the difference. It can be as little as staring for a long time or can be as big as picking on the certain person. It specially hurts to be excluded by people. Many people with disability get isolated. They are people too and should be able to do what other people can do. They just do it with a little more challenge.  Im hoping by sharing my story it can shed some light on this thing called bullying.

In all my years in school most kids did stare at me. I know what most people think staring doesnt hurt but I does.. no one wants to be stared at. Whats worst is the whispering while staring. I can remember being stared at through my school years. I also was called names that most nights I would cry myself to sleep. Sometimes people would think I couldnt hear them and they would talk about me.. Ive been called diaper girl, wobbly weirdo, two faced, and so many others that were terrible. I didnt want to be called a tattle tale so i was scared to tell someone.  I also would ask God why so many nights and yes I will admit I still do.. Its hard growing up in a small town where there isnt no one around here with Spina Bifida.. I always thought I was a mistake and that I never suppose to belong here..

Most of the time I would  not use the bathroom when I was suppose to because I was conviced I knew when I needed to.  So many teachers would have to get after me. (if youre reading this, THANK YOU Ms.Coe and Mrs.Green for being so hard on me on some of these times... I remember you getting after me the most in middle school) I also would have many bathroom accidents which alot of time I would get pick on and teased. Sometimes I would hide it as much as I could till I would get home and then I would get so mad at myself and telling myself I was pathetic and why did I do this to myself. I would cry my eyes out because I was disappointed in myself. Im 22 years old now and still having problems but Im determined to get through them.

My self esteem and pretty much all of it got worst in high school. I cried most nights into my pillow.  Also in high school I got really depressed and that began the thoughts of ending it all.  I thought that my parents wouldnt care because Jesse and Joe were the highlight of the family. I was just the one with all the problems. Most of the time I was home alone when the thoughts would run through my head. But before I would try something would stop me. The pictures of Reba surrounding me. A Reba song coming on the radio.(There something about Reba but thats another story) The thoughts of what would Mrs.Green or Ms.Coe think.. (these two have a special place in my heart.. some people say its because they knew my grandma Rita..) and I would stop and think to myself.. I would most time just cry my eyes out. I went day by day and acted if nothing was wrong. I would fake being sick to get out of going to school. I kept this all to my self for a long time. When you hit rock bottom you have no clue where to turn. You convice yourself you can do it on your own.  I continue to struggle with the self confident thing to this day. I know now that there are people out there that if you need they will be there...

But school was not all bad. I dont remember all the details of that day.. but i do remember a certain day that made me feel so important... I remember in my first year of third grade year (i think), we had this puppet show that came in and did a puppet show with these really cool puppets. One was in a wheelchair and the other one had braces and cruchets. I can remember feeling so amazing. Watching them talk about being nice. I also recieved a doll that was made by a doctor of mine. She had braces, cruchets, and blonde hair. I brought her in that day and got to share her and a Little Critter book called "A Very Special Critter". That day was one Ill never forget. Thats why Ive always love Mrs.Green. She never has look at me like a girl with a disabilty. There are so many people out there and yes most of them are teachers that continue to help me with life. i love each of them so much! 

So the next time you want to tease or torment someone because they look different think twice please because it hurts more than youll ever know.. If you know someone, see someone being bullied or being a bully PLEASE tell someone! You can save lives!

Thank you for reading this.. comment on here or on facebook if you would like!! Love you all!! TTFN
P.S. any questions let me know :)


  1. Jen, I always thought your stubbornness was a way to confront your demons. I so respected you for having your own mind and not giving in. Looking back I can see how that was your insecurity acting out to protect you from hurt.
    You are so much more than your disability. You have much to offer. I remember the puppet show. You beamed all day. Love you.

  2. I love you!!!! :)
    Its Beautiful!!!! <3
    p.s. just like you! :)