Monday, February 10, 2014

365 days of pictures: trying to heal a shattered heart

Cancer.. Small little world but a word that took the one person who I thought believed in me.. The one person who I could call crying on the phone because someone was mean at school or got in a fight with mom.. Cancer is a cruel word.. It kills a person every 4 mins.. Cancer took my childhood and ripped it in two.. 

For years I wanted to talk about my grandma or hear stories of her as I was only 10 when she died but no one talks about her any more. It's like she was there but not there..  I know most don't want to feel the hurt about losing her and for many years I buried it so deep no one would have known.. I became numb and I guess it's what everyone calls depression. I was put on pills to control my emotions because my parents thought it was best. Well I began to hate my parents more and quit taking them as I believe they didn't help.. I didn't want help, all I wanted was the people who left me back! 

For me she was there everytime we had to go to Detroit. We would go down and stay at her house the night before so we didn't have that far to drive.. She would come up for VIP day for my school and every Christmas concert we had.. We would get together at Christmas time at her house or I remember something at my Aunt Kathy's house. 

Yes most of you think why didn't my parents see me fall or even continue to see me struggle.. Well it's hard for anyone to watch someone fall in a hole. When I was a teen we all went to family therapy once.. I acted up and we left. I couldn't  just talk to someone about my feelings in person. But it seem like when my grandma died the bond between my family and I was torn in two some more..

It's taken me years to take about my darkest of all days and the struggle each day it is to get the hell out of bed to face the world as when you live thru depression your world stops. You quit living. All you want is to have that moment back! I will never quit fighting ever!! I will learn to live my life the way I am suppose to and when it's all over my friends and family that have died will be there waiting for me:) 
Sorry if this repeats anything I've written in the past but it's what's on my mind today! Xoxo
Ttfn, dream girl 

1 comment:

  1. I think not seeing goes along way to explaining your outbursts and acting out. She was your confidant. Who did you trust like you trusted her?