Sunday, February 23, 2014

I have to let my light shine

Tonight I need to talk about something I have been keeping so far down deep it is slowly ripping away at me. Piece by piece.. I have to get this out and im gonna try and do it to my best of my ability.

Someone asked me what got me through my darkest nights.. I brushed it off and said Reba did and yes she did most of the time but it was her music and help that would remind me to see the light.. Light? You might asked what do you mean by light? Well, when I would want to end it all and sit in the bathroom with those pills in my hand telling myself I wasn't worth life anymore.. Telling myself no one ever cared about me. Letting what I call my demons slowly take over.. Something would stop me and make me see light in all the darkness.. 

 For many years I never understood how to describe it but I'm slowly understanding what the light is. My light is my memories. The happy memories of my life. Most of my happy memories are from attending Rose City Middle School. I have been talking with a friend of mine and she made it more clear of why those memories are "my light" and said the teachers at RCMS saw me for me and not as a disability or they never tried to make me like my brothers. My home life has been a complicated one for surenbut that's another story..  Those teachers, para pros, a liaison officer, And others at RCMS saw the Jen I had hide for so many years because I didn't know her. They helped me laugh and enjoy life to the fullest. Yes there were times I was in dark in middle school but one happy memory helped me thru it just like that. When I had or have rough night I would play my 8th grade video and those memories came back and it helped me hang on to life!

In the last couple of years, there has been an event that has taken place that shook this town I call home. An event no one saw coming. A teacher I had in middle school was convicted of having relationship with a minor. I'm not going into details as I don't know many (I choose not to) but that it not the importantance of this part of all of this. When I learned of this news I was in denial and there is a good reason why. This teacher had helped me in so many ways and was part of my light. The light that was keeping me alive. The light that was keeping my demons at bay. The memories that I had relied on for so many years were slowly getting ripped apart. The night after I learned of this, I cried most of the night! I watched as it flashed on the news all over. I let it all in. I let everyone tell me what they heard and it literally was pulling me down.. Was I suppose to forget those times in science class, the 8th grade video, and so on.. That night I wasn't sure where to go or who to talk to. 

If I didn't think things could get worse they did.. The whole thing skyrocketed when documents were released to the media that in my opinion shouldn't have been but anyhow they did.. These letters began an attack on certain teachers and most of them from RCMS.. Again I wanted to ignore it all to the best I could because I knew I had to keep what I had left of my "light" shinning or I was going to sink.. In my heart I knew they did what they thought was right (it all honesty I can't say I wouldn't do that same thing if it was my friend) but people were saying a million things around town and online.. Calling the school corrupt.. Many former students were saying how they never learned anything there anyhow.. It got bad. So bad I didnt understand a lot of it.. Parents pulling their kids.. Kids frighten of teachers.. My light began to ficker as the days went on..When my mom was discussing something with someone about it all when it first came about she said something about she might have pulled us from the teachers classes if it had all happened when we were in school.. Well I flustered and I kinda blurted out "I wouldn't be here then"! The person she was talking to looked at me in shocked and said "what u mean". Well my parents are hard to talk to about serious stuff so they don't know much but I blurted out "she saved my life!" And walked out. I was scared and didn't know what way to go. I went home and for the first time in years I thought of ending it all.. I wanted all the crap to stop! I wanted it all to disappear. I didn't know what to believe or who to trust! I reached out to a friend from a different state. I told her some of what I was going thru and she said "Jen, who do want to talk to the most? d and she will help u!" My friend knew of a certain teacher I was really close too. I knew the answer but I wasn't sure how to do that.. I was so comfused..

I was saddened by the way the town I loved turn on people for written letters and who had done a lot for not only me but the whole town. I understand it is a major issue when something like that happens and that I don't think what he did was right under any curcumtances but I couldnt let it all dim my light, could I? 

I began to worry about the teachers I knew I had to make sure they knew I loved them. The nasty posts on FB were the worst and I knew I shouldn't have read them but everyone gets curious.. I knew in my heart there was no way in hell i was turning my back on these teachers. 

 I went to see one of the teachers (the one who my friend suggested I go see) who in all honesty I would do anything for. She is more family than my real family. This teacher is my hero in my ways and I would lay my life down for her.. When I went to her house i could see in her that it made her sad and that broke my heart. We talked for a while about things. I wanted to tell her my feelings about the whole mess but I kept them in because I knew she needed my support and love not my mess of feelings. This woman I credit with saving my life more times than I can count needed a friend there for her and so I kept my feelings inside that day. I promised her and a few others of the teachers I wouldn't write anything on FB about my opinions and this whole thing because they didn't want to see me get hurt! So I did want I do best and buried it. I buried it so deep it began to kill me each day because I began to let it rip those memories in two. 

Months have went by from all of this but it still lingers in town so when I moved into my house I convinced myself I had to stop going into town. I stop talking to a lot of people because they always brought something up again about it all and I need to keep my light burning. I will never look at the teacher I had as a monster because I just can't. I began to realize I was shutting down again slowly.. My demons were sneaking up but in a different way, I knew I had to act fast!! 

So I began to talk about my memories of school and began to talk about things.  I show my love for teachers because I believe that no one should be punished for one thing in their lives when they honesty have saved my everyday!! I know i will make it thru the darkest of nights when I have my lights!! 

Thank u for listening to me ramble tonight! I'm sorry for digging this up for some of you but writing it out makes me learn to live with things! To each teacher who reads this THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE!! 


  1. Putting this out there was a huge step. I am proud of you. <3

  2. We have so very much in common, Jen. Years ago, when I was a lost girl, I sat with pills in my hand and thought about how much easier it would be to not be here or anywhere. These many years down the road, I am so grateful that friends, family, and the universe conspired to keep me alive and moving so that I could experience all the wonderful people who have come into my life since those dark times. You are one of those blessings. As one of the few RCMS teachers who didn't write, t suffered some of the same trauma as you did and I continue to be confused about the anger against the folks who wrote. I know they are good people who have done good things for many. I know they were shocked and confused as well. For my own reasons I wasn't able to write a letter, but in some ways I felt I let my friends down, so I kept my mouth shut publicly and privately and feelings buried. As I age, I learn that nothing is ever what it seems and there are all kinds of reasons people do the things they do. I know I wouldn't be here if I hadn't received undeserved kindness and understanding. That's why I try to send kindness and understanding back to the universe and why I know I am blessed to have so many people in my life who are experiencing their own struggles and doing the best they know how to do. I still struggle with my feelings about that whole experience and pray that I find some kind of peace. I question why I didn't know what was happening and how people can do things that hurt others while doing other things that help even more others. I have come to realize that those are answers I'm probably never going to have. However, I continue to believe that I am here for a purpose and to pray that my purpose be made clear to me. You are beautiful, strong, and very wise for your years. I am grateful you came into my life.